![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris. I made this communication method called resonance. Resonance is a way of speaking - it's kind of like active listening. I took a skill that some of the world's best executive coaches do and turned it into something most people can learn. It's for being a better friend, partner, parent or collaborator. It's a way of speaking that shows you how to help someone feel seen and understood when you see things differently, or when they want advice, or when they just want to vent. ### **Your partner, kid, friend, or colleague wants your advice or wants to vent.** What do you do? Habitually, people give advice, solutions, and reassurance. Instead, practicing this listening skill gives an alternative that deepens relationships. Quotes of when people use it: * Maile Minardi, with **friends** and **relatives**: *"it's funny to realize that people don't actually want solutions - they just want to be heard"* * My sister, with **patients** at work: *"I didn't really know what to say ... so I just resonated and it worked so well"* * My brother, with **himself** and with **friends**: *"for me it's about ... finding inner peace over a difficult decision ... and getting closer to my friends by being more supportive"* * George Zeng, with his **partner**: *"making my partner feel emotionally validated"* * Josh Singer, with his **partner** and **team**: *"70% partner, cofounder 5%, team members 20%"* It's for people wanting to be a better friend, partner, parent, collaborator. It's also for people who want to have more loving self-talk. ### When your close relationships ask you for advice or to vent, use resonance. Before or instead of giving advice, solutions and reassurance, resonance is a way of speaking and listening that you can use to help others, or yourself, feel understood and emotionally regulated. Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son. <div style="max-width: 300px;"> <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 177.77777777777777%; height: 0;"> <iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/549bfa2c9ee447aba15c9430305cfca7?sid=b2e12aa8-522a-4b63-8956-6767747510f2" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"> </iframe> </div> </div> ### Resonance is an alternative to offering solutions, advice, and reassurance ❌ **Reassurance:** "Oh, don't worry, you don't need to be upset, it's okay!" ❌ **Explanations:** "Oh, that's not a problem because of this reason or that reason!" ❌ **Solutions:** "Oh, have you thought about this solution or that solution?" ❌ **Advice:** "I think what you need to do is this." First, use resonance until they feel completely seen and understood. Then, they'll probably solve their challenge all by themselves. ### To learn the basics, listen to one of these podcasts Podcast excerpt: <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/fac2ab803f0c4b8887f627958c6a34cb?sid=5f56fa26-728f-4b9c-9c79-98ac75f187fe" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> Full episodes 1. Josh's podcast: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GWncyea7Fh7pk7xLn5pLe?si=6a3b93c54f444531), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-way-you-lead/id1475360470?i=1000717756232), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4zfwAPaFA) 2. Daniel's podcast: [Twitter/X](https://x.com/dkazand/status/1927849362153165169), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10gCmUIpNMON52x38npn9v?si=nlwXb3PoRQaUuUgk0CZBPQ), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/36-chris-barber-how-to-regulate-emotions-with-words/id1634047573?i=1000710344965), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlMFd6z8LCQ) ### To increase your skill level, join a zoom workshop It takes about an hour of practice to get to a medium skill level, but you can get the basics in a few minutes. Zoom workshop: [Put your email here.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc54C5vH12GdfndjKqce-C8qpuA1hih85hEO8yRGK9F2FEp9w/viewform?usp=dialog) No fee, no donations, just me sharing a tool I'm obsessed with. ### FAQ **More examples?** Here are [[Two more resonance with kids examples]]. **How to use this for self-regulation?** [Guide](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1930729537035509794). **Will the other person notice it's a technique or feel like it's condescending? Does it still work?** Yes, they might notice it's a technique, and yes, it can still work. My suggested approach: 1. At first, only use it in very basic low stakes situations 2. For close relationships where you occasionally have emotional high stakes situations (e.g. partner, kids, cofounder), give them a heads up that it's something you might use next time you'd like to give them support My wife and I use resonance with each other all the time, we know we're doing it, it still works great even when we know they're doing it and even when we disagree with each other. As long as the resonator is emotionally regulated enough to hold space for the other person's emotions. You can wish they'd change their mind, that's okay, but you need to have enough space in your heart/nervous system for however they'll react, and for their worldview. **What other tools have I tried that I now use resonance instead of?** IFS (internal family systems), coherence therapy, core transformation, nonviolent communication, conscious leadership group clearing model, focusing and felt sense, alexander technique, wholeness method, the five love languages and apology languages, Swedish massage, John Sarno (it combines well, basically you can just resonate body parts/areas), somatic experiencing, bioemotive, motivational interviewing, ACT, CBT, transcendental meditation. My favorite other tools are, in order: core transformation, John Sarno, Swedish massage, 5 love languages, and IFS. **If I resonate them do I have to give them what they want / do I have to agree?** You don't have to agree with them, resonance is just about understanding them and showing them that you understand. Only agree with them if you genuinely agree. You can resonate even when you disagree: e.g. "you really wish I thought the sky was green". My suggestion is resonate them first or resonate each other, and then take some space for 5-10 minutes, and then decide what you both feel most peaceful about doing. [Longer answer](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1932088334782025854). I've collected [more resources/questions in my replies here](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1927854298513428992). ### Quotes from friends about how they use resonance ![[josh-singer.png|40]] **Josh Singer** (uses resonance with partner, coworkers) > Who Josh uses resonance with: > ![[Pasted image 20250917063145.png|400]] ![[george-zeng.png|40]] **George Zeng** (partner resonance) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061447.png|400]] ![[nina-barber 1.png|40]] **my wife Nina** (with herself, with me, with our kids) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061909.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062322.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062427.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062359.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062453.png|400]] **my brother** (self with decisions, supporting friends) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061352.png|400]] **Alton Sun** (with friends, with partner) > ![[images/Pasted image 20241203054624.png|400]] ![[maile-minardi.png|40]] **Maile Minardi** (friends, relatives) > ![[Pasted image 20250917063031.png|400]] ![[ben_circular_noresize.png|40]] **Ben Pan** (self, friends, anyone) > "I think it's one of the most useful skills I've ever learned. And I think it'll just get better and better." > ![[Pasted image 20250917062035.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917061607.png|400]] **Justin Yang** (supporting friends) > ![[Pasted image 20250917085442.png|400]] **my sister** (nursing patients, friends) > ![[images/Pasted image 20241203054825.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917061642.png|400]] About me: [[Chris Barber]]