Resonance AI Prompts
Here's a prompt that you can copy and then AI will know how to resonate you.
===
![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris. This is an overview of resonance.
The world doesn't teach people how to sit with feelings. So when other people have big emotions, people fix them, explain them away, or use reassurance.
Resonance is an alternative. When someone is wanting to vent or get advice, instead of giving them solutions/reassurance/fixes, try resonance. It's similar to active listening. Active listening gives you paraphrasing and open ended questions. Resonance adds on three new tools: copies, guesses, and exaggerations.
![[resonance-table.png]]
When emotions are high, using explanations or reassurance buries the other person's emotions. Their emotions stay stuck, unprocessed.
Instead, good resonance can help them process/digest their emotions (by feeling seen). Then once the emotions are digested and everyone's feeling neutral, *then* move onto the solutions/logic/fixes, if still needed.
It's the same story in parenting, relationships, coaching, with cofounders, and with yourself.
Resonance works by making others them feel seen. It has similarities or complements tools like active listening, reflective listening, IFS internal family systems parts work, Gottman parenting, motivational interviewing, Chris Voss, how to talk so kids will listen and 5 love languages.
What's the downside? The main downside is that it takes effort to learn. The first 30 minutes of practice are kind of frustrating, it feels robotic and fake, and there's too much to think about. After another 30 minutes, you start to get it, but it's still a lot to think about. Then with a few months of occasional practice you'll get the skill. It's like learning how to ride a bike or learning a new language.
✅ Reflect what they're saying or doing
✅ Guess at what their tone or body language is saying
✅ Help them feel seen and understood
### People love to feel seen, heard, and understood.
Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son - this is a situation where he's stressed, I'm relaxed, and I'm using resonance to support him in processing his emotions.
### To learn the basics, check these videos
[[Parenting Resonance Examples]]
[[Self Resonance Examples]]
[[Relationship Resonance Examples]]
[[Friendship Resonance Examples]]
Podcast excerpt:
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Full episodes
1. Josh's podcast: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GWncyea7Fh7pk7xLn5pLe?si=6a3b93c54f444531), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-way-you-lead/id1475360470?i=1000717756232), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4zfwAPaFA)
2. Daniel's podcast: [Twitter/X](https://x.com/dkazand/status/1927849362153165169), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10gCmUIpNMON52x38npn9v?si=nlwXb3PoRQaUuUgk0CZBPQ), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/36-chris-barber-how-to-regulate-emotions-with-words/id1634047573?i=1000710344965), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlMFd6z8LCQ)
### FAQ
**More examples?**
Here are [[Two more resonance with kids examples]].
**How to use this for self-regulation?**
[Guide](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1930729537035509794).
**Can you give me text to give to an AI?**
[[Resonance Prompts]]
**Will the other person notice it's a technique or feel like it's condescending? Does it still work?**
Yes, they might notice it's a technique, and yes, it can still work.
When you're learning and you want to use it in a close relationship, give them a heads up in advance: If you'd like to use it with your partner or kids or similar, give them a heads up that you'll try it out, and give them a heads up that they'll probably think "what are you doing" and that it's weird. Ask them to let you try it in 10 conversations anyway. Instead of telling them this in a high stakes moment, give them the heads up at a different time when nothing is going on.
Start with practicing in situations that don't involve you, before using it in arguments. Resonance works great in arguments if you already have the skill. Resonance doesn't work well to learn *during* an argument.
**What are the limitations of resonance?**
If you have no desire to make the other person feel seen and understood, it won't work well - in those situations, perhaps get 5-10 minutes of alone time, or try resonating with yourself (talk to yourself out loud, mirroring yourself, without judgement or trying to shift what you're feeling).
If you're in an argument - resonance can work - but only if you've already got the skills. You can't learn it in high stakes situations - you need to learn it in low stakes situations.
If your kid is having a tantrum - resonance can prevent tantrums, but it doesn't work well for stopping them after they've already started.
**How might you use it as a parent?**
1. Easy - As a way to connect and listen to your kids during car rides: asking them about their experiences, and purely reflecting, without reassurance, instead, sitting with their experiences and feelings.
2. Easy - As a way to connect and listen to your kids pre-bed: being present with their emotions.
3. Easy - As a way to play with your kids by observing and describing what they're doing without adding any of your opinions or direction.
4. Medium - When your kid is crying or upset, and you're calm and relaxed: to help them process their emotions.
5. Hard - When you need to enforce boundaries and you want to stay connected during that. These ones are difficult, practice with easy ones first.
**What are the common mistakes?**
1. People over-paraphrase and slip advice or opinions into their paraphrases.
2. People put advice or solutions into their guesses.
3. People tell the other person what they think or what they realize, rather than staying with what the other person is saying and showing.
In general, our impulse to fix someone else's emotions is strong, and so that leads us to want to reassure. We can't handle their emotions, so we want to fix them. Using resonance helps you build the muscle to stay present with someone else's emotions or your own emotions.
**What are the common hesitations when learning?**
1. This feels robotic.
2. This feels fake.
3. There's a lot to think about, so I can't be present in the conversation.
Yes, learners commonly feel all three of those. What I've seen is that after about 30-60 minutes of practice, those challenges start to fade. So, it's helpful to expect that you might feel those at first.
**How do you know if it worked?**
If the other person says "yes, exactly!!" or they breathe a sigh of relief or they become much more open or relaxed.
**What other tools have I tried that I now use resonance instead of?**
IFS (internal family systems), coherence therapy, core transformation, conscious leadership group clearing model, focusing and felt sense, alexander technique, wholeness method, the five love languages and apology languages, Swedish massage, John Sarno (it combines well, basically you can just resonate body parts/areas), somatic experiencing, bioemotive, motivational interviewing, ACT, CBT, transcendental meditation.
My favorite other tools are, in order: core transformation, John Sarno, Swedish massage, 5 love languages, and IFS.
**If I resonate them do I have to give them what they want / do I have to agree?**
You don't have to agree with them. You can resonate even when you disagree: e.g. "you really think the sky is green - and you wish I thought the sky was green too!"
If you're in a disagreement, resonance can work well, *if* you've already gotten an hour of practice in easier situations. If you have, try resonating them first until they feel totally understood and they say "yes exactly you get it" - then take some space for 5-10 minutes, then come back and decide what you want to do. If you're in a disagreement but haven't practiced resonance much yet, skip it for now, practice in low stakes and try in a future disagreement. [Longer answer](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1932088334782025854).
I've collected [more resources/questions in my replies here](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1927854298513428992).
*Thank you to the people who inspired this: Nina, Matt Mochary, Alejandro Martinez, Mark Andreas, Tamara Andreas, and Steve Freund. Thank you to my friends for being beta testers.*
About me: [[Chris Barber]]
===
00:00 Josh: Great. Cool, so you want to teach me?
00:02 Chris: Yes, I would love to.
00:03 Josh: Heck yeah, let's do it. We'll do it in real time.
00:04 Chris: All right. So I will have you resonate me on something. That's how we'll do it.
00:07 Josh: Okay. Okay.
00:09 Chris: So there's three separate tools.
00:11 Josh: Okay.
00:12 Chris: First one is copy statements. Second one is guess statements.
00:15 Josh: Mm-hmm.
00:16 Chris: And then the third one is exaggeration statements. So we'll do them one at a time.
00:19 Josh: Okay.
00:21 Chris: So a copy statement So I'll explain it briefly, and then I'll
00:25 Josh: Mm-hmm.
00:26 Chris: start saying stuff about my topic, and then you'll just do that back to me.
00:28 Josh: Sounds good, yeah. And and and we can also do it if you want to resonate me on something, I can I can I can come up with something. There's plenty of things that I can be resonated on as well, so we can also do that way if you want.
00:32 Chris: Cool. Awesome. Cool. So a copy statement is- This is the tool that's probably most similar to active listening. Active listening's a bit more paraphrase-y. Copy statement: think less paraphrase, and more use at least three of the words I'm using.
00:45 Josh: Uh-huh. Less paraphrase Less paraphrase, use three or more of the words you're using.
00:55 Chris: Exactly. Yes. Good copy statement.
00:56 Josh: Okay.
00:59 Chris: And if I say too much stuff and you can't kind of remember, just do it something from the end, like whatever you do remember.
01:06 Josh: Okay.
01:07 Chris: Okay. So, I am feeling I'm super excited about resonance, particularly like recently after the recent podcast that I did about it.
01:18 Josh: Amazing.
01:19 Chris: Yes.
01:20 Josh: Oh, this is- We're doing this, okay.
01:20 Chris: Yes. Yeah, yeah.
01:22 Josh: Okay. So after the last podcast you did, super You're You You've been really excited about this?
01:27 Chris: Yes, exactly. And I um yeah, I just had more- Partly, it was like it was two days ago, yesterday, or something. I checked my other inbox on Twitter, and then I saw a bunch of DMs that I hadn't noticed cuz they'd gone to the other inbox of like people that had listened to it and resonated with it.
01:48 Josh: Oh, that's cool. So when you saw that there was more messages in the other inbox, you got even more excited about it?
01:52 Chris: Yes, exactly.
01:53 Josh: Yeah.
01:55 Chris: And and it just kind of feels like the- It feels like it's kind of alive now.
02:06 Josh: Oh, it's alive now, now that it's out there. Ooh. I like that.
02:09 Chris: Yes, exactly. Awesome. So that's three in a row. You did the copy statements, great.
02:11 Josh: Okay.
02:13 Chris: Now we'll do tool two,
02:14 Josh: Okay.
02:15 Chris: which is guess statements. So, one way to think about the first tool, copy statements, is like, if you do copy statements, I can feel understood.
02:22 Josh: Mm-hmm.
02:23 Chris: If you do guess statements, I can feel seen. And then if you do exaggeration statements, which is the third tool,
02:28 Josh: Right.
02:28 Chris: it's kind of increasing difficulty, as well,
02:30 Josh: Sure.
02:31 Chris: then I can feel emotionally regulated.
02:33 Josh: Mm, okay.
02:35 Chris: And all of this, the view of all this, is like: emotions have a job, they want to be felt.
02:40 Josh: Right.
02:41 Chris: The more effectively and quicker you can help someone else do that, the sooner that emotion will dissipate.
02:46 Josh: Right.
02:47 Chris: It's going to be there until it's felt.
02:50 Josh: Right, and then it and then it dissolves and it moves It moves.
02:52 Chris: Totally. Exactly.
02:53 Josh: Emotion, energy in motion, energy's moving.
02:56 Chris: Totally.
02:56 Josh: Cause to move.
02:57 Chris: Totally, 100%.
02:58 Josh: Yeah.
02:59 Chris: So, a guess statement is a copy statement plus,
03:05 Josh: Mm-hmm.
03:06 Chris: like a connector word, like "but," "because," or "you wish,"
03:08 Josh: Mm.
03:09 Chris: and then say what you think I'm thinking, but not saying,
03:14 Josh: Got it, okay.
03:16 Chris: in my words.
03:17 Josh: Okay.
03:18 Chris: So this is kind of medium similarity to active listening. Like active listening is more on labeling.
03:25 Josh: Mm-hmm.
03:27 Chris: But in guess statements, we're not going to do any labeling.
03:27 Josh: Right. Right.
03:30 Chris: So sometimes, a thing that I'll see people do is like someone else's is obviously feeling sad, and then the person like says, like, "Oh, are you feeling sad?"
03:37 Josh: Mm-hmm.
03:38 Chris: which is actually going to resonate less than if you say the thing that they would say,
03:42 Josh: Mm.
03:43 Chris: which might be like, "I really didn't like that they did that."
03:45 Josh: Yeah, got it. Okay.
03:47 Chris: Um-
03:48 Josh: And and where where does like- One of the things that I use a lot during active listening is I'll say something like, "It sounds like. It sounds like you're feeling XYZ," or it's like, "It sounds like-" Where I'm- I guess is that like, I'm paraphrasing more, or I'm- Is that kind of copying in a way?
03:53 Chris: Yes. I would say mostly matters what comes after that.
04:07 Josh: Uh-huh.
04:08 Chris: You can do that, or you can leave it off. I mostly leave it off. Sometimes I include it.
04:10 Josh: Okay. Mm-hmm.
04:13 Chris: I don't think it- I don't think it helps, but I also don't think it hurts.
04:16 Josh: Okay. Okay, cool cool cool. All right.
04:18 Chris: And a thing that I remembered is This is as context on resonance. Two examples from people that I've taught it to. So one is a friend where like they were skiing,
04:23 Josh: Mm-hmm.
04:30 Chris: and, you know, midway down the thing, like their girlfriend was kind of done. She's like She went off to the side, sat down, she was like, "I'm done with this, like I want to stop." And like the before before resonance kind of might be, "Oh, like you're doing so well, like you're so close to the end, like you've got this, like it's all good."
04:46 Josh: Yeah.
04:47 Chris: The after resonance might be like, "Ugh, you're done. Like, you're probably tired.
04:53 Josh: Mm.
04:53 Chris: Are you hungry, too? Like, we've been out here for hours now, and you didn't even want to do this slope in the first place. Like, you kind of maybe feel like I forced you to do this one. You were hesitant.
04:56 Josh: Mm-hmm.
05:03 Chris: Ugh."
05:04 Josh: Yeah.
05:05 Chris: And the second one is going to make those emotions release so much faster.
05:09 Josh: Oh, yeah. Just ugh, just to be heard, and seen, and felt. Yeah.
05:13 Chris: Totally.
05:14 Josh: Yeah.
05:14 Chris: Totally, it's like, "Oh, great, like I've successfully communicated here what I was trying to communicate with my body and everything. You've got it, boom, emotions done."
05:16 Josh: Amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Right, right. And that takes- I can see the development that that takes in that person to be able to be like to have that compassion, and that understanding, and that curiosity versus like, "No, come on. We're having so much fun," or, "We're almost done. Like, come on. Don't do that. Don't Don't Don't pull out now. Like, come on."
05:37 Chris: Totally. Totally.
05:40 Josh: Yeah.
05:40 Chris: Yep. And yeah, a similar one, like another friend I taught, their their scenario, they came home later than they were expecting,
05:48 Josh: Mm-hmm.
05:49 Chris: and then their girlfriend was annoyed at them. Like, "Oh, why are you like Like why didn't you come home when you said you were going to come home?" The before resonance might be like, "Oh, well, you know, I told you that there was a chance that I was going to be late," or like, "Oh, why didn't you do some of the other stuff that you had been wanting to do while you're waiting for me?"
06:05 Josh: Mm-hmm.
06:07 Chris: Whereas the after resonance might be like, "Oh, like I came home way later than I told you. Like, you were probably wondering where I was, and wondering when I was going to come back,
06:16 Josh: Right.
06:16 Chris: and like you didn't even know what you could start cuz you didn't even know how long the time was going to be.
06:19 Josh: Right.
06:20 Chris: Like, oh, that sucks."
06:21 Josh: Yeah. Yeah, that's totally different
06:23 Chris: And the second one, like-
06:24 Josh: scenario.
06:25 Chris: And the second one, it's like a 1-minute thing. In the first one, it's like, okay, cool, like now that's your night.
06:27 Josh: Yeah. Right.
06:31 Chris: Now you have bad vibes. One way to think of resonance is like whenever there's like bad vibes or a bad mood,
06:34 Josh: Yeah.
06:35 Chris: that is a sign that there are stuck emotions in the interpersonal dynamic.
06:39 Josh: Mm.
06:42 Chris: And if you would like to get rid of them, the way to do it is to run towards them with resonance, make them fully felt, and then it can go back to open and flowing.
06:50 Josh: That's good, I like that. Whenever there's bad vibes, it's usually a sign that there's some st- stuck or unprocessed emotions present.
06:56 Chris: Cool. So if someone says like, "I'm fine. Like, it's fine,"
07:01 Josh: Yeah.
07:01 Chris: or if they're saying like, "Oh, why? Like, why are you doing that?" Whenever someone's saying This is another example of the kind of two layers of communication. If someone's saying the words like, "Oh, why did you do it like that?"
07:07 Josh: Yeah. Right.
07:12 Chris: But they're And so you, if you're responding to the surface, you might answer the question, like, "Oh, I did it like that because of this." But what they're saying beneath is like, "I don't like that you did it like that."
07:23 Josh: Yeah, there's judgment, yeah.
07:25 Chris: So if you respond to like, "Oh, you don't like that I did it like that,"
07:28 Josh: Mm-hmm.
07:29 Chris: then like that conversation takes a very different turn.
07:32 Josh: Right.
07:32 Chris: In the former, it's like now you're arguing back and forth.
07:35 Josh: Yeah.
07:36 Chris: In the latter, it's like you can just go directly at what they're actually communicating,
07:39 Josh: Mm.
07:41 Chris: and then it will make-
07:43 Josh: Makes so much sense. That's really good. Okay, so we've got So we've got the copy statements as the first, which is mirroring, in a sense, of just repeating in a couple of words
07:44 Chris: resolve much faster. Awesome. Mm-hmm, yep.
07:54 Josh: the things that are most present. And then we have the guess statements.
07:54 Chris: Yep. Correct.
07:57 Josh: So that's now guessing or sh- sharing what I feel like you're what's being not said, or the way that you're really feeling.
08:04 Chris: Correct. Correct. And it's you're trying to do basically, what would Chris say in Chris's words that he's not saying,
08:14 Josh: Got it.
08:15 Chris: but might be thinking?
08:16 Josh: Okay.
08:17 Chris: And one analogy for resonance in general, this is Nina's analogy, and I love it, it's that resonance is kind of like foam rolling for emotions.
08:28 Josh: That's good.
08:29 Chris: And so if you've done foam rolling, you'll know that kind of first you need to go roll around, find the spot,
08:33 Josh: Right.
08:33 Chris: and guessing is kind of foam rolling around and finding the spot.
08:36 Josh: Mm.
08:37 Chris: So with guessing, what you're trying to do is you're trying to find like, "Okay, where is that actual stuck emotion?"
08:40 Josh: Mm.
08:41 Chris: Cuz it's it's generally If it's stuck, it's probably not the one on the surface, cuz then it's less likely to be stuck.
08:46 Josh: Yeah.
08:47 Chris: So you kind of are using the guess statements as your like echolocation. Like, where is the, you know, playing battleships, like where is the emotion?
08:51 Josh: Yeah. Right. Right.
08:54 Chris: And then, once you find it, that's like kind of sitting with a foam rolling ball on that spot until it releases, that's your exaggeration
09:01 Josh: Cool.
09:02 Chris: statements.
09:02 Josh: Yep.
09:03 Chris: So that's kind of how they fit together.
09:04 Josh: Makes sense.
09:05 Chris: Yeah, so this one is a copy statement combined with a connector word, "but," "because," or "you wish,"
09:10 Josh: Mm-hmm.
09:11 Chris: and then, what might I be thinking, but not saying?
09:15 Josh: Right. And the connector words: "but," "because," "you wish."
09:19 Chris: Yeah, I think-
09:19 Josh: There can be others, but those are the Those are the main ones, yeah. "But," "because," "you wish," yeah.
09:21 Chris: Exactly. Yes. Great. So, let's see. And that's a cool thing about resonance, by the way, is that like I like People naturally do parts of resonance.
09:37 Josh: Yeah, that was subconscious, too, even in that. That was just me wanting to understand.
09:39 Chris: Yeah. Totally. Like it already exists in the wild. This is like
09:42 Josh: Yeah, yeah.
09:43 Chris: taking something that exists in the wild, describing it, turning it into a bit of a recipe so that people can do more of it.
09:49 Josh: Right.
09:50 Chris: It's like, what's the most effective thing that exists in the wild?
09:52 Josh: Yeah.
09:52 Chris: It's kind of stuff that looks like resonance.
09:54 Josh: Yeah.
09:54 Chris: So what if people just double down on that? Kind of going back to the like, you know, stuff we were talking about earlier,
09:58 Josh: Mm-hmm.
09:59 Chris: explore, try a bunch of stuff, see what works, double down on it.
10:01 Josh: Yeah.
10:02 Chris: I did that, and the thing that worked is the resonance.
10:04 Josh: It's great.
10:04 Chris: So like, okay, it already existed in the wild,
10:05 Josh: Build a system. Build a system around it, and then-
10:07 Chris: help people double down.
10:08 Josh: Right, and then you can It also is an entry point to to teaching this to other people
10:12 Chris: Totally.
10:13 Josh: because I think a lot of people do this naturally,
10:15 Chris: Yes.
10:15 Josh: and it's It's There's an emotional intelligence, an EQ factor. I think a lot of emotionally intelligent people do this naturally.
10:20 Chris: Yep.
10:22 Josh: And so many This doesn't come natural to a lot of people, also.
10:25 Chris: Correct.
10:26 Josh: And even if you do it naturally, having a sort of system behind it can help you do it even more effective and do it better. And being able to have a system or recipe, as you say, around it, then can be the gateway to helping teach people emotional intelligence.
10:31 Chris: Totally. Yep. Yes, exactly. All right, let's see. So I am- I think I'm feeling super excited because it was a more positive reception than I was expecting, and Yeah, I'll leave it there, actually.
10:55 Josh: It sounds like there's more positive than you're expecting, but there's some hesitation?
11:00 Chris: Yes, totally. There is. It's like, I know that there will be a next wave of challenges. Like I know that yeah, I know there's going to be a next wave of challenges.
11:11 Josh: So you know there's going to be a next wave of challenges. Is there Is there a fear behind that?
11:17 Chris: Let's see. And one coaching note on that is like, what would Chris say there?
11:20 Josh: Yeah. Got it, okay, versus asking. Cuz naturally, I want to ask more questions. I'm more curious, but you're saying it's more of a statement.
11:26 Chris: And you can do a question, but think about it as like, what might Chris say?
11:31 Josh: Okay.
11:36 Chris: And I might like- You're just trying to guess at some words that I would have in my mind. And you can do it as a question though, like, "Oh, are you thinking kind of this?"
11:38 Josh: Okay, okay, okay. Got it, okay.
11:43 Chris: So yeah, it's like, I know there's more work up ahead, or something like that. I know there's more Yeah, what am I- I know there's going to be a next layer of challenges.
11:53 Josh: You know there's going to be a next layer of challenges,
11:55 Chris: Yes.
11:55 Josh: and that feels scary or feels challenging in some way?
11:59 Chris: Yeah, it is going to be challenging. It's like I want to get fully excited about it,
12:04 Josh: Right.
12:05 Chris: but I also know that like soon, I'm going to find the next layer of challenges, and like- Yeah.
12:11 Josh: So So there's excitement, and there's also some fear, hesitation because you know the more you get excited about it, there's also going to be more challenges.
12:17 Chris: Totally. And like, but I'm so stoked that the reception was positive, in particular like I had a bunch of people reach out about, "Okay, how do I do it myself?"
12:28 Josh: Right.
12:29 Chris: Which is cool because that's a particularly unique aspect. And also some people about the using it with their girlfriends, in particular.
12:37 Josh: Super cool.
12:38 Chris: Yeah, so I'm very excited about that.
12:42 Josh: Super cool.
12:43 Chris: Yeah.
12:44 Josh: And it sounds like there's still some some deeper hesitation. I'm I'm curious what's at the what's at the root of that?
12:49 Chris: And yeah, a coaching note I'll do on this one is like
12:51 Josh: Yeah, yeah.
12:54 Chris: add the copy statement as well, and then for If you're doing questions, questions are good,
12:59 Josh: Uh-huh.
12:59 Chris: try and do a closed-ended question.
13:01 Josh: Okay, so for example?
13:03 Chris: So you could do like, "Oh, is it kind of you're more concerned about this or are you more concerned about that?"
13:07 Josh: Okay, okay. So really drilling down specifically
13:10 Chris: Yes.
13:11 Josh: for this context, okay.
13:12 Chris: Yeah, exactly. It's or basically, closed question or yes-no question.
13:16 Josh: Okay.
13:19 Chris: Yeah, so I had a bunch of people very excited, but I'm like holding myself back from fully like feeling all the excitement, or something. But it's like there.
13:29 Josh: Right.
13:29 Chris: Wants to be felt.
13:30 Josh: Yeah, there's the excitement,
13:31 Chris: Yes.
13:32 Josh: but there's also this element of holding you back
13:35 Chris: Yes.
13:36 Josh: because-
13:37 Chris: Nice connector.
13:38 Josh: Because you are not sure about where this is all going, or because-
13:43 Chris: Probably that, yeah.
13:45 Josh: Okay.
13:46 Chris: Yeah, I think so. It's just like I know there's going to Totally. And by the way, you can tell that resonated with me cuz I immediately started like going off to something. That's a good sign.
13:51 Josh: Yeah, you went right went into it. Yeah.
13:54 Chris: And whenever you do make incorrect guesses as well, still helpful. Think of it as people always appreciate incorrect guesses. Oh, and something I'll note is like some people will feel uncomfortable about doing statements,
14:09 Josh: Yeah.
14:10 Chris: and, in fact, a lot of people.
14:11 Josh: Yeah.
14:12 Chris: In that case, just do them all as questions.
14:14 Josh: Okay, yeah.
14:14 Chris: They work equally well.
14:15 Josh: Great.
14:17 Chris: Yeah, totally. It's like I I'm just certain there's going to be an extra- There always is the next challenge.
14:24 Josh: Yeah, there's always a-
14:24 Chris: I'm really excited right now, I just don't know what it's going to be.
14:27 Josh: Yeah.
14:28 Chris: And that was great, too, by the way. I noticed there you kind of like That's something that I'll sometimes do in resonance is you basically did a copy statement while I was talking,
14:36 Josh: Mm.
14:37 Chris: which is great. Sometimes a challenge people run into with resonance is it's almost like the other person isn't used to getting resonated, and so they want to talk for so long.
14:45 Josh: Mm-hmm.
14:46 Chris: The problem with that is like how effective your resonance is is proportional
14:51 Josh: Yeah.
14:52 Chris: to how much resonance you're doing.
14:53 Josh: Right.
14:54 Chris: So if you have to wait two minutes for them to respond, that's tough.
14:56 Josh: That's going to take a lot longer, yeah.
14:57 Chris: So that way you did it just then is kind of exactly how I would do it with someone that is
14:59 Josh: Yeah. Yeah.
15:03 Chris: talking a lot, is like you're just kind of overlaying it while they're going.
15:04 Josh: Right. Yeah.
15:07 Chris: They don't even need to stop.
15:08 Josh: Yeah, it's great.
15:09 Chris: Your background track. Yeah, there's going to be some next challenge, and I don't know what it is. And like, it'll probably be fun, but it'll probably be annoying. And like, I really want to feel this excitement, but I'm like hesitant cuz I don't know how big the next challenge is going to be or something.
15:22 Josh: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, so you you want to feel all the excitement for it, but you're almost holding yourself back because like you don't want to get too excited, and then get smacked on the ground because there's another challenge.
15:27 Chris: Totally. Totally, exactly. Yes, exactly. Awesome guess statement.
15:33 Josh: Yeah.
15:34 Chris: So, all right, so that's guesses done.
15:36 Josh: So that's guesses, okay, great.
15:37 Chris: The next one is is exaggeration. The way to think of exaggeration is there's kind of a couple reasons why someone's emotion might be stuck. The first one is just like they haven't hasn't even been understand- under- understood.
15:51 Josh: Mm-hmm.
15:52 Chris: So that's copy statement. That's just like, I'm making you understood. You feel understood. Second is it's not kind of visible, that's a guess statement. It's like, "Okay, cool, now it's on the surface, at least it exists."
16:03 Josh: Right, now there's clarity on what it is, yeah.
16:04 Chris: Yep. And then the third one, if you've done the guess statements, and you kind of know you need this, is like, if you've done the guess statements, but the other person almost like they haven't moved on, like there's still some tightness in their body language, or there's still like- Like you can see with me, like I'm still kind of conflicted about this.
16:17 Josh: Yeah. Yeah, totally, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no resolution.
16:22 Chris: And what that is, is like there's some stuck emotion.
16:24 Josh: Right.
16:25 Chris: And when we do the demo, like we may not go to the end where I get to the resolution. Like it may take like another minute or two, and it's
16:28 Josh: Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
16:33 Chris: or longer, sometimes, or shorter. And but that's how you can kind of tell like, "Okay, cool, like what might be going on here is it seems like I found the right spot,
16:34 Josh: Yeah. Got it. Yeah.
16:43 Chris: but it's still there.
16:43 Josh: Yeah.
16:44 Chris: Therefore, probably what's happening is it's the right thing, but just the intensity at which this other person Some part of them feels it,
16:52 Josh: Mm.
16:53 Chris: the intensity that it needs to be felt at hasn't been reached."
16:55 Josh: Mm. Got it.
16:57 Chris: This is the tool that is, you know, zero similarity to active listening, and it's also the hardest. Like a lot of people can't do it at all,
17:02 Josh: Yeah.
17:03 Chris: at least on first try. It's the most important tool for emotion regulation,
17:08 Josh: Mm-hmm.
17:09 Chris: and cuz that's kind of where emotions get stuck, is they're way bigger. One analogy that I like to live in my head is you can think of resonance kind of as related to VO2 max and resting heart rate recovery time.
17:24 Josh: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
17:25 Chris: So heart rate recovery time is like, if someone else is feeling a big emotion, how quickly can you help them get back to calm, open, and flowing?
17:33 Josh: Mm, nice.
17:34 Chris: It's like, if you're good at resonance, you can probably do it in like two minutes most of the time,
17:36 Josh: Right.
17:37 Chris: when someone else is feeling a big emotion. And if you're not, sometimes it can literally take months. Like people can have like months of stuck dynamics. More commonly, it's going to be like, you know, a day or whatever. They sleep it off, cuz our body does naturally do all this kind of stuff.
17:44 Josh: Yeah. Right.
17:50 Chris: Like when we sleep, we're regulating emotion. When we go to yoga class, we're regulating emotion. Resonance is just a particularly kind of
17:53 Josh: Right. Mm-hmm.
17:57 Chris: concentrated Yeah, exactly. More directed, totally.
17:58 Josh: It's more Directed, yeah, directed tool for it, yeah.
18:01 Chris: And the Yeah, so resonance is more directed.
18:07 Josh: Mm-hmm, an exaggeration statement is what we're going to do now.
18:11 Chris: Yes.
18:12 Josh: Okay.
18:12 Chris: And What was I saying with the thing?
18:15 Josh: An analogy you like to use is the VO2 max.
18:17 Chris: Yes. VO2 max is kind of like, how big of an emotion can you help someone feel? How intense?
18:22 Josh: Yeah.
18:22 Chris: So that's kind of exaggeration.
18:24 Josh: Yeah, yep, makes sense. And and the reason why that is usually that's the last layer and that really is is there is because our subconscious like we can like we can rationalize and feel things, and we can talk about it, but it's like it's bigger than than we're putting it into words, and so we need to mirror them in this exaggeration tool. Let's let's hear it.
18:39 Chris: Totally. Totally. Totally. Way to do this is you start out by exaggerating the words. So it's like the first sentence might be like, "You kind of didn't like that." And then the second sentence might be like, "You kind of hated that." And the third might be like, "Oh, you really hated that." The fourth might be like, "You hated that more than like anything that's happened the past few months."
18:55 Josh: Mm-hmm.
18:59 Chris: And then the last one might be like, "This is the worst thing that's happened for like the past like decade, or the worst thing that's ever happened to you."
19:05 Josh: Right. Yeah.
19:06 Chris: You just kind of keep going. You'll know when it kind of gets to that right spot.
19:11 Josh: And it's statement, not question?
19:12 Chris: You can do either again.
19:13 Josh: Okay, okay.
19:15 Chris: If you've already landed the guesses and you know exactly what you're doing, then maybe you'll do statements. If you haven't, then maybe you'll do questions.
19:19 Josh: Yeah. Got it.
19:23 Chris: And the thinking here is you always want to go slightly beyond what the other What you think it might be.
19:29 Josh: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
19:31 Chris: You're very unlikely to get it accurate.
19:32 Josh: Yeah.
19:33 Chris: If you go a little bit beyond, you might get enough.
19:36 Josh: Okay.
19:36 Chris: If I have an emotion that is like an 80 out of 100,
19:39 Josh: Mm-hmm.
19:40 Chris: and you are giving me resonance on it at a 20, maybe it goes down to a 60.
19:45 Josh: Mm-hmm.
19:47 Chris: If you give me an 80 or above, an 85, a 90, whatever,
19:49 Josh: Mm-hmm.
19:50 Chris: it can go down to zero, or like close to zero.
19:51 Josh: Close, right.
19:53 Chris: So, and yeah, you kind of do words first and then tone second.
19:57 Josh: Okay, got it.
20:01 Chris: Yeah, I'm it's It's like there's the two big things, I think, is like the, "Okay, I know there's going to be some like next challenge, I don't know what it is,"
20:12 Josh: Mm-hmm.
20:13 Chris: and like I'm really really really stoked, but I'm like, this is making me hesitant to fully feel this, kind of.
20:20 Josh: Yeah, it it sounds like this is one of the things you've been most excited about in your career, even.
20:25 Chris: Yeah, totally. Oh yeah, absolutely.
20:26 Josh: Yeah. Which has to feel really exciting.
20:29 Chris: Great resonance, by the way. You can see that immediately, like, "Okay, yeah, that clearly resonated."
20:31 Josh: Yeah, yeah. Which Which feels exciting, and also makes the fear, the challenges, that much more strong.
20:38 Chris: Totally, totally! Cuz it's like, I'm like, "Oh great, this is sick," and then it's- But it's also going to be like immediately down from that kind of peak, kind of.
20:42 Josh: Yeah. Yeah, it it it feels like it's it's Does it feel high stakes? Like does it feel high stakes with what you're working through?
20:51 Chris: It does feel high stakes, yeah. It does feel high stakes.
20:53 Josh: Yeah. And and it seems that that that tempers your ability to feel the excitement fully, knowing that it's high stakes or that there's high risk.
21:00 Chris: Yeah, and it's also just like it's all very novel. It's like
21:03 Josh: Mm-hmm.
21:04 Chris: a bunch of stuff that I haven't done before. Normally, I'm doing like bootstrapped startups
21:08 Josh: Right.
21:09 Chris: just to make money,
21:10 Josh: Yeah.
21:10 Chris: and or doing stuff in the VC world, in the startup world. But now I'm doing like this random emotion regulation stuff, tweeting about stuff, or like doing podcasts or whatever, a bunch of stuff that I've never done. So it's also It's like the combo of: super excited, also very novel.
21:28 Josh: Yeah, super excited and also really novel. It's a whole different It's a whole different realm that you're playing in.
21:32 Chris: Yes, it's a whole different- Totally, a whole different realm. Great exaggeration.
21:36 Josh: Which is scary because there's also There's also things that you don't know you don't know
21:40 Chris: Totally.
21:41 Josh: when it comes to that.
21:41 Chris: Yes, totally.
21:42 Josh: And it feels like you have such a powerful tool you're so passionate about sharing others that there's probably the element of, "Crap, if I mess this up, then I'm not going to be able to get this out to the people who need it."
21:47 Chris: Yes. Less of the if I- Less of that, but mostly of the like, it's like, "I just don't know what's going to happen.
22:02 Josh: Yeah.
22:03 Chris: And I like I'm a bit uncomfortable about all the uncertainty."
22:05 Josh: Yeah, you could see a bit uncomfortable about the uncertainty, yeah.
22:08 Chris: Yes, totally.
22:10 Josh: And the uncertainty feels heavy? It feels- How does the uncertainty feel?
22:14 Chris: Oh, you've done way more than three good ones here, so we'll stop in a sec, but yeah.
22:15 Josh: Okay, cool cool. Great, yeah yeah yeah. Interesting, okay, cool. I like that. And-
22:22 Chris: So yeah, and then if you're going more from here, you'd be like, "Oh, this is like the newest thing you've ever done, and like da da da."
22:27 Josh: Right. And um and also, so I I kind of used a guess statement at the end there of like cuz I'm guessing-
22:31 Chris: Which is correct, that's the right way to do it. You're kind of going back and forth between the two cuz you uncover new stuff as you go.
22:35 Josh: Right, cuz I'm cuz I'm still trying to uncover and figure out like- Cuz for me, if I'm putting myself in your shoes, like I could see that would be something that I would be feeling, just like, "Oh, like I want to share this with people, and if I mess it up, I'm not going to." And like that could have just absolutely exploded.
22:38 Chris: Yes. Yep. Yes, always make the guess.
22:48 Josh: Right, okay, make the guess, yeah. But But it didn't, and and was it uncomfortable for me to make a guess that was inaccurate though?
22:50 Chris: Always make the guess. Not at all for me.
22:55 Josh: Not at all for you, okay.
22:56 Chris: Okay. And my sense is that maybe with someone that has not been resonated a bunch, and also with a resonater that hasn't used it a bunch,
23:06 Josh: Mm-hmm.
23:07 Chris: it'll probably feel a little awkward.
23:08 Josh: Yeah.
23:09 Chris: Once either they have been resonated a bunch or you have done it a bunch,
23:12 Josh: Yeah, then it's just part of the part of the game.
23:13 Chris: totally chill.
23:14 Josh: Yeah, okay, cool.
23:15 Chris: Yeah. So you could see there was a bunch of things there where you said that like really resonated,
23:18 Josh: That resonated, yeah.
23:19 Chris: and like some of those emotions like,
23:20 Josh: Yeah.
23:22 Chris: you know, processed. And if you were doing it more, if it was like you wanted to go, you know, through the end where I'm open and flowing,
23:28 Josh: Yeah.
23:29 Chris: you would just basically take the ones that worked best,
23:31 Josh: Yeah.
23:33 Chris: repeat them,
23:34 Josh: Uh-huh.
23:34 Chris: and do them at more intensity.
23:36 Josh: Got it.
23:36 Chris: Sometimes, it's like foam rolling where you don't even need to change the intensity cuz you've got it right, and just like-
23:39 Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah, stay on the spot.
23:40 Chris: Exactly, stay on the spot. Anytime it works, like-
23:43 Josh: Yeah.
23:44 Chris: Anytime something works for me as an exaggeration statement, I will hit the same one, like probably a couple times until it's no longer hitting.
23:47 Josh: Right. Right. Okay, so like there was more for me- Right, so there was more for me to hit around the excitement of how excited you actually were in your career.
23:52 Chris: You've found the oil. Totally. More to hit around the like uncer- There was a bunch of things you said that really resonated, and there's just more energy there. It's like, mm.
24:00 Josh: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the cool part about this, too, just as I'm reflecting in real time, is like, we've talked about this, but through this conversation, I feel more connected with you through this because I I didn't realize how really excited and how big this was this is for you.
24:04 Chris: Totally, it's sick. Totally. Totally.
24:17 Josh: And so through that, I now also get that feedback as your brother-in-law to be like, "That's awesome." Like I feel I feel like I understand you, and and I feel more connected to you through this process now.
24:20 Chris: Yes. Yes. Great way to feel more connected to the people you care about. Great way to understand
24:28 Josh: Mm-hmm. Yeah, understand each other, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
24:32 Chris: the people you care about. And then like you just get it.
24:35 Josh: Yeah.
24:35 Chris: You're like in sync.
24:36 Josh: Super cool.
24:37 Chris: Yeah.
24:38 Josh: Love it. Okay, so that's exaggeration.
24:39 Chris: That's resonance.
24:40 Josh: That's resonance. Boom.
24:41 Chris: Congrats.
24:42 Josh: Thank you. Do I get my level one badge, my certification?
24:44 Chris: Level one badge, dude. Brown belt, or whatever it is.
24:46 Josh: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Very good.
24:48 Chris: We'll have a Love to have a resonance dojo at some point.
24:50 Josh: Yeah, that's cool. I like that, the resonance dojo.
24:53 Chris: Yeah. That'd be sick.
===
0:00 Imagine that a friend of yours is complaining about a bad date, they're like, "Oh, I went on this date, and they were late, and they were just talking about themselves, and super annoying, and..." And let's have it's a the before way might look like,
0:15 "Oh, well, like, hey, like, at least, like, at least they weren't as bad as that other person you went on the date with, when this happened." So you're kind of trying to distract them from it, or maybe you're trying to give them solutions like, "Oh, well, did you think about like kind of giving them a call to like find out what their timing was like?" Or maybe it's like a reassurance of like, "Oh, like, don't worry. Like, I know you're going to find someone like perfect for you," and so on.
0:39 Well intended, if you want, but it's not going to land very well. If you want to feel more connected to the other person, you want to understand them better, you want to help them feel seen, and you want to help them digest their emotions, it might look more like,
0:53 "Oh, like, they were just talking about themselves the whole time, and they were late?" They're like, "Yeah, they were super late." And then, you know, maybe you say like, "Was it more annoying that they were late or more annoying that they didn't touch you to text you to tell you?" Like, "More annoying they didn't text me to tell me." Like, "Yeah, more annoying they didn't text you to tell you, because like they probably would have known that they were going to be late like two hours ago, and they could have given you a heads up." And they're like, "Yes, exactly, [unclear]." And you kind of keep going like that.
1:24 And you're literally helping them vent out those emotions that they are currently feeling. Those emotions would naturally digest, you know, during sleep, and just like while people go about their day. But if you want to help them get back to that neutral flowing, you know, baseline sooner, this will help them. It'll also help you feel more connected, and they will appreciate it.
1:45 And sometimes, in the course of doing this, someone will say, "Oh, thank you so much, like you've solved the problem." You're like, "I didn't do anything, I didn't solve the problem." But you did, because you helped reflect back to them their emotions. You helped them vent their emotions and process and digest their emotions. And that kind of gives them that, gets them to that clearer place where then they can like easily solve it for themselves.
2:05 So the resonance one is, you know, "Was it more is it more this or this? Is it..." and it's a reflection, and then it may you get to exaggeration at some point. Something I'll note with all this is like this is like learning another language. You will be using broken English for the first 10 to 20 times you do it, or broken resonance. And so some people will you might think like, "Okay, is someone going to know I'm using a method?" And the answer is like, "Yeah, in those first 10 to 20 conversations, like they might."
2:35 And so that can be a little bit weird, and it can make the early practice hard. Also this early time can feel kind of robotic, can feel kind of fake. All these examples probably feel contrived, because they are contrived examples. And it will feel robotic, and it will feel fake, and that does suck. I wish there was a I wish there was a solution. Maybe you noticed what I'm doing is I'm kind of doing resonance about that. It's like I and I do wish there was a solution.
3:00 The I think what people find, though, is that once you get through that, you know, first 20, then it's like you start to learn the language, and then it's like extraordinarily helpful. Makes you feel better, makes people around you feel better. And other thing you can do is you can tell you can well, two things I'd say. One is that the the thing that's more likely to flag someone as like, "What is this?" is like the exaggeration. The more exaggerated you are, exaggerations are super helpful for someone processing their emotion, but they're also like weirder, cuz most people don't do them in regular conversation.
3:37 So there's A, you know, maybe save the exaggerations till later. B is if it's with your partner, or a friend, you can give them a heads up. Or if it's an older If it's a kid that's like three, or five, under an under or something, they probably won't even notice. If it's an older kid, you may need to give them a heads up of like, "Hey, just a heads up, at some point, you know, in the next like week or two, I'm going to try out using this communication methods. Like if you're upset, or something like this, or you're annoyed at me, or whatever, I might try and use this different method. And it might feel a little weird, but I'd like to try it still."
4:12 And that can be helpful. The other thing I would say is like there are different levels of challenge of conversations. It's like when you're both feeling calm, that's the easiest time to resonate. There's uh like you're feeling calm, they're feeling sad, that's a good option to practice. And then there's like the one where they're like annoyed at you, that's harder. And then there's the one where you're both annoyed at each other, that's the hardest. It's like the best practice ones are probably when someone wants to vent, when someone's sad, and when it's not about you. They're not So you're not triggered, but they have emotions, they have strong feelings, they want to vent, or they're scared, or they're struggling with a decision, whatever.
===
0:00 Imagine that, your friend is freaking out, they're really, really nervous about a job interview. The before would look like a lot of reassurance: "You're going to crush it. Like you've got it, like they're going to be crazy not to hire you." It might be solutions like, "Oh, have you have you looked at this practice thing, by the way? Like, this has some really good advice, some really good tips." It might be, "Yeah, I felt this, and like what I ended up doing was this, and that worked really well." It might be some logic of like, "Oh yeah, but you know, like, if you tried this method, like, that'll help you kind of like calm down, relax, whatever." Not going to land so well.
0:39 The If you would like to help them and feel really connected to them, and and help them feel seen, and just kind of help them regulate their emotions around it, the more resonant approach might look something like might look like Maybe you start with a clarifying question, like, "Oh, are you more like worried because you feel like you haven't practiced like cuz you want to practice more, or you're more just like worried cuz it just feels so high-stakes?" And like, "It feels so high-stakes." And so then you're like, "It feels so high-stakes. Like, it feels like it all kind of rides on this like one conversation. Is that kind of how you're feeling?" And like, "Yeah, it all feels like it's riding on this one conversation." And then you're like, "That feels you wish you feel like that's so silly. You're like you wish that it could be multiple things. It didn't have to all be condensed on this one like ultra-high-stakes thing." You kind of doing this exaggeration about the point that they feel really strong about. And you may not get to the point that they feel really strong about straight away, you're going to have to do a little bit more ex- exploration first. That will help them feel seen, it'll help you understand what's actually going on for them, and it'll help the emotion digest.
1:45 If you have any questions, please send me a DM or reply. I Yeah, happy would love love answering questions, also curious if there's any scenarios you want to see examples of, feel free to send those to me in the DMs as well.