Here's a prompt that you can copy and then AI will know how to resonate you. ``` === ![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris. This is an overview of resonance. The world doesn't teach people how to sit with feelings. So when other people have big emotions, people fix them, explain them away, or use reassurance. Resonance is an alternative. When someone is wanting to vent or get advice, instead of giving them solutions/reassurance/fixes, try resonance. It's similar to active listening. Active listening gives you paraphrasing and open ended questions. Resonance adds on three new tools: copies, guesses, and exaggerations. ![[resonance-table.png]] When emotions are high, using explanations or reassurance buries the other person's emotions. Their emotions stay stuck, unprocessed. Instead, good resonance can help them process/digest their emotions (by feeling seen). Then once the emotions are digested and everyone's feeling neutral, *then* move onto the solutions/logic/fixes, if still needed. It's the same story in parenting, relationships, coaching, with cofounders, and with yourself. Resonance works by making others them feel seen. It has similarities or complements tools like active listening, reflective listening, IFS internal family systems parts work, Gottman parenting, motivational interviewing, Chris Voss, how to talk so kids will listen and 5 love languages. What's the downside? The main downside is that it takes effort to learn. The first 30 minutes of practice are kind of frustrating, it feels robotic and fake, and there's too much to think about. After another 30 minutes, you start to get it, but it's still a lot to think about. Then with a few months of occasional practice you'll get the skill. It's like learning how to ride a bike or learning a new language. ✅ Reflect what they're saying or doing ✅ Guess at what their tone or body language is saying ✅ Help them feel seen and understood ### People love to feel seen, heard, and understood. Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son - this is a situation where he's stressed, I'm relaxed, and I'm using resonance to support him in processing his emotions. ### To learn the basics, check these videos [[Parenting Resonance Examples]] [[Self Resonance Examples]] [[Relationship Resonance Examples]] [[Friendship Resonance Examples]] Podcast excerpt: <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/fac2ab803f0c4b8887f627958c6a34cb?sid=5f56fa26-728f-4b9c-9c79-98ac75f187fe" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> Full episodes 1. Josh's podcast: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GWncyea7Fh7pk7xLn5pLe?si=6a3b93c54f444531), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-way-you-lead/id1475360470?i=1000717756232), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4zfwAPaFA) 2. Daniel's podcast: [Twitter/X](https://x.com/dkazand/status/1927849362153165169), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10gCmUIpNMON52x38npn9v?si=nlwXb3PoRQaUuUgk0CZBPQ), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/36-chris-barber-how-to-regulate-emotions-with-words/id1634047573?i=1000710344965), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlMFd6z8LCQ) ### FAQ **More examples?** Here are [[Two more resonance with kids examples]]. **How to use this for self-regulation?** [Guide](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1930729537035509794). **Can you give me text to give to an AI?** [[Resonance Prompts]] **Will the other person notice it's a technique or feel like it's condescending? Does it still work?** Yes, they might notice it's a technique, and yes, it can still work. When you're learning and you want to use it in a close relationship, give them a heads up in advance: If you'd like to use it with your partner or kids or similar, give them a heads up that you'll try it out, and give them a heads up that they'll probably think "what are you doing" and that it's weird. Ask them to let you try it in 10 conversations anyway. Instead of telling them this in a high stakes moment, give them the heads up at a different time when nothing is going on. Start with practicing in situations that don't involve you, before using it in arguments. Resonance works great in arguments if you already have the skill. Resonance doesn't work well to learn *during* an argument. **What are the limitations of resonance?** If you have no desire to make the other person feel seen and understood, it won't work well - in those situations, perhaps get 5-10 minutes of alone time, or try resonating with yourself (talk to yourself out loud, mirroring yourself, without judgement or trying to shift what you're feeling). If you're in an argument - resonance can work - but only if you've already got the skills. You can't learn it in high stakes situations - you need to learn it in low stakes situations. If your kid is having a tantrum - resonance can prevent tantrums, but it doesn't work well for stopping them after they've already started. **How might you use it as a parent?** 1. Easy - As a way to connect and listen to your kids during car rides: asking them about their experiences, and purely reflecting, without reassurance, instead, sitting with their experiences and feelings. 2. Easy - As a way to connect and listen to your kids pre-bed: being present with their emotions. 3. Easy - As a way to play with your kids by observing and describing what they're doing without adding any of your opinions or direction. 4. Medium - When your kid is crying or upset, and you're calm and relaxed: to help them process their emotions. 5. Hard - When you need to enforce boundaries and you want to stay connected during that. These ones are difficult, practice with easy ones first. **What are the common mistakes?** 1. People over-paraphrase and slip advice or opinions into their paraphrases. 2. People put advice or solutions into their guesses. 3. People tell the other person what they think or what they realize, rather than staying with what the other person is saying and showing. In general, our impulse to fix someone else's emotions is strong, and so that leads us to want to reassure. We can't handle their emotions, so we want to fix them. Using resonance helps you build the muscle to stay present with someone else's emotions or your own emotions. **What are the common hesitations when learning?** 1. This feels robotic. 2. This feels fake. 3. There's a lot to think about, so I can't be present in the conversation. Yes, learners commonly feel all three of those. What I've seen is that after about 30-60 minutes of practice, those challenges start to fade. So, it's helpful to expect that you might feel those at first. **How do you know if it worked?** If the other person says "yes, exactly!!" or they breathe a sigh of relief or they become much more open or relaxed. **What other tools have I tried that I now use resonance instead of?** IFS (internal family systems), coherence therapy, core transformation, conscious leadership group clearing model, focusing and felt sense, alexander technique, wholeness method, the five love languages and apology languages, Swedish massage, John Sarno (it combines well, basically you can just resonate body parts/areas), somatic experiencing, bioemotive, motivational interviewing, ACT, CBT, transcendental meditation. My favorite other tools are, in order: core transformation, John Sarno, Swedish massage, 5 love languages, and IFS. **If I resonate them do I have to give them what they want / do I have to agree?** You don't have to agree with them. You can resonate even when you disagree: e.g. "you really think the sky is green - and you wish I thought the sky was green too!" If you're in a disagreement, resonance can work well, *if* you've already gotten an hour of practice in easier situations. If you have, try resonating them first until they feel totally understood and they say "yes exactly you get it" - then take some space for 5-10 minutes, then come back and decide what you want to do. If you're in a disagreement but haven't practiced resonance much yet, skip it for now, practice in low stakes and try in a future disagreement. [Longer answer](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1932088334782025854). I've collected [more resources/questions in my replies here](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1927854298513428992). *Thank you to the people who inspired this: Nina, Matt Mochary, Alejandro Martinez, Mark Andreas, Tamara Andreas, and Steve Freund. Thank you to my friends for being beta testers.* About me: [[Chris Barber]] === 00:00 Cool. So, do you want to teach me? Yes, I would love to. Heck yeah, let's do it. We've got a real time. 00:04 So, I will have you resonate me on something. That's how we'll do it. Okay. So there's three separate tools. Okay. 00:12 First one is copy statements, second one is guess statements, and then the third one is exaggeration statements. So we'll do them one at a time. 00:19 Okay. So a copy statement, I'll explain it briefly and then I'll start saying stuff about my topic, and then you'll just do that. 00:28 And we can also do it if you want to resonate me on something I can I can come up with something There's plenty of things that I can be resonated on as well. 00:36 So we can also do that way. Come on So a copy statement is This is the tallest part most similar to active listening active listening is a bit more paraphrasing copy statement thing less paraphrase and more Use at least three of the words I'm using less paraphrase less paraphrase use three or more of 00:55 the word using exactly. Yes good coffee statement and if I say too much stuff and you can't kind of remember just do it something from the end like whatever you do remember okay okay so I am feeling I'm super excited about resonance particularly like recently after the recent podcast that I did about 01:18 it amazing yes oh this is okay yeah okay so after the last podcast you did suit your you've been I'm really excited about this. 01:26 Yeah, it's exactly. And I, yeah, I just had more. Partly, it was like, two days ago, yes, there was something. 01:39 I checked my other inbox on Twitter, and then I saw a bunch of DMs that I hadn't noticed, because I'd gone to the other inbox of people that had listened to it and resonated with it. 01:48 Oh, that's cool. So when you saw there was more messages in the other inbox, you got even more said Yeah, exactly. 01:57 And it just kind of feels like it feels like it's kind of alive now. It's alive now that it's out there. 02:08 I like that. Yes, exactly. Awesome. So that's three in a row. You did the copy statements. Great. Now we'll do tool two. 02:14 Okay. Which is guest statements. So and what do you think about first tool copy statements is like, if you do copy statements I can feel understood. 02:22 If you do guest statements, I can feel seen. And then if you do exaggeration statements, which is the third tool, it's kind of increasing difficulty as well. 02:31 Then I can feel emotionally regulated. Okay. And all of this, the view of all this is like, emotions have a job, they want to be felt. 02:39 Right. The more effectively and quicker you can help someone else do that, the sooner that emotion will dissipate. Right. It's going to be there until it's felt. 02:49 Right. And then it then it dissolves and it moves. It moves. Exactly. Emotion, energy and motions. Energy is moving. Totally. 02:57 Totally. Yeah. 100%. So a guest statement is a copy statement. Plus, like a connector word, like bot because or you wish. 03:08 And then, say what you think I'm thinking, but not saying. Got it. Okay. In my words. Okay. So So this is kind of medium similarity to active listening. 03:21 Like, active listening is more on labeling, but in guest image, they're not going to do any labeling. Right. So sometimes a thing that I'll see people do is like, someone else is obviously feeling sad, but then the person like says, oh, are you feeling sad? 03:37 Which is actually going to resonate less than if you say the thing that they would say, which might be like, I really didn't like that they did that. 03:44 Yeah, I got it. okay and where does like one of the things that I use a lot during active listening is I'll say something like it sounds like it sounds like you're feeling xyz or so it sounds like where I'm I guess is that like I'm paraphrasing more or I mean I would say is that kind of copying in a 04:04 way yeah mostly matters what comes after that you can do that or you can leave it off I mostly leave it off, sometimes I include it. 04:13 I don't think it helps, but I also don't think it's okay. And I think that I remembered is this is as context on residents, like two examples and people that I've taught it to. 04:26 So one is a friend where they were skiing and midway down the thing, the girlfriend was kind of done. She went off to the side, sat down, she was like, I'm down with this, like I want to stop. 04:38 And the before residents might might be oh like you're doing so well like you're so close to the end like you've got this like it's all good yeah the after-resonance might be like oh you're done like you're probably tired hmm are you hungry too like we've been out here for hours now and you didn't even 04:57 want to do this slope in the first place like you kind of maybe you feel like I forced you to do this one you were hesitant oh yeah and the second one is gonna make those emotions release so much Yeah, just just to be heard and seen and felt totally. 05:13 Yeah, totally. It's like oh great Like I've successfully communicated here. Yeah, yeah, I was trying to communicate with my body and everything You got it. 05:21 Boom emotions down right right and that takes I can see the development that that takes in that person to be able to be like To have that compassion and that understanding and that curiosity versus like no come on We're having so much fun or we're almost done like come on don't do that don't don't pull 05:37 out now like come on Totally. Yup. Yup. And you know, similar one like not a friend taught they This and I are they came home later than they were expecting and then they go from was annoyed at them like, oh, why are you like? 05:52 Like why didn't you come in when you say you're going to come in? The before residents might be like, oh, well You know, I told you that there was a chance that I was going to be late or like, oh, why didn't you do some of the other stuff that You had been wanting to do while you're waiting for me. 06:05 Mm-hmm. Whereas the after residents might be like Oh, like I came home way later than I told you like you were probably wondering where I was and wondering when I was gonna come back Right and like you didn't even know what you could stop because you didn't even know how long the time was gonna be Like 06:20 oh, that sucks. Yeah, yeah, that's totally the second one like in the second one It's like a one-minute thing. Yeah, the first one. 06:27 It's like okay cool. Like now. That's you're not right now You have bad vibes one way to think of residence like whenever there's like bad vibes or bad mood. 06:34 Yeah Yeah, that is a sign that there are stock emotions in the interpersonal dynamic. And if you would like to get rid of them, the way to do it is to run towards them with resonance, make them fully felt, and then it can go back to opening. 06:50 That's good. I like that. Whenever there's bad vibes, it's usually a sign that there's some stock or unprocessed emotions present. 06:57 But if someone says like, I'm fine, like it's fine, or if they're saying like, oh, why? Why are you doing that? 07:03 Whenever someone's saying, this is another example of the kind of two layers of communication. If someone's saying their words like, oh, why'd you do it like that? 07:11 But they're, and so you, if you're responding to the surface, you might answer the question. I'm like, oh, I did it like that because of this. 07:19 But what they're saying beneath is like, I don't like that. Yeah. There's a judgment. So if you respond to like, oh, you don't like that, I do it like that. 07:29 Then like that conversation takes a very different turn in the former. It's like now you're arguing back and forth. Yeah. 07:36 And the latter, it's like you can just go directly at what they're actually communicating Mm-hmm. And then it will make us all much so much sense. 07:44 That's really good. Okay, so we've got so we've got the copy statements As the first which is mirroring in a sense of yep just repeating in a couple words Things that are most present and then we have the guest statements correct. 07:57 So that's now guess it or sharing what I feel like you're what's being not said or correct you're really feeling correct and it's you're trying to do basically what would Chris say in Chris's words that he's not saying got it but might be thinking okay and one analogy for residents in general this is 08:22 Nina's analogy and I love it it's the residents is kind of like foam rolling for emotions. That's good. And so if you've done phone rolling, you'll know that kind of first you need to go roll around, find the spot. 08:33 And guessing is kind of phone rolling around, find the spot. So with guessing what you're trying to do is you're trying to find like, okay, where is that actual stuck emotion? 08:41 Because it's generally, if it's stuck, it's probably not the one on the surface because then it's less likely to be stuck. 08:46 Yeah. So you kind of be using the guest statements. That's your like echo location. Like where is the, you know, playing battleships. 08:51 Like where is the emotion? right and then once you find it that's like kind of sitting with a phone rolling ball on that spot until it releases that's your exaggeration. 09:01 Cool, that's yeah that's going to have a fit together. Makes sense. Yeah so this one is a copy statement combined with a connector word but because what you wish and then what might I be thinking but not saying. 09:15 Right then the connector words but because you wish, they can be authors, but those are the main ones, yeah, but because you wish. 09:23 Exactly. Yes. Right? So let's see. And that's a cool thing about resins, by the way, is that people naturally do pots of resins. 09:37 Yeah, that was subconscious too, even in that. It was just me wanting to understand. Or exist in the wild. Yeah, yeah. 09:43 This like taking something that exists in the wild, describing it, turning it into a bit of a recipe so that people can do more of it. 09:49 It's like, what's the most effective thing that exists in the wild? Yeah. It's kind of stuff that looks like resonance. 09:53 Yeah. So what are people just double down on that? Kind of going back to their like, you know, stuff we were talking about earlier, explore, try a bunch of stuff, see what works out well down on it. 10:00 Yeah. I did that and the thing that worked is the resonance. It's great. So like, okay. Build a system in the wild. 10:06 Build a system around it and then, Help people double down. Right, and then you can, it also is an entry point to teaching this to other people. 10:12 Totally. because I think a lot of people do this naturally and it's there's an emotional intelligence and EQ factor and then a lot of emotionally intelligent people do this naturally and so many this doesn't come natural to a lot of people also correct and even if you do it naturally or having this sort 10:29 of system behind it can help you do it even more effective and do better and being able to have a system or recipe as you say around it then be the gateway to helping teach people emotional intelligence. 10:38 Yes, exactly. All right, let's see. So I am, I think I'm feeling super excited because it was a more positive reception than I was expecting and, Yeah, I'll leave it there actually. 10:54 It sounds like there's more positive than you're expecting but there's some hesitation. Yes, totally. There is it's like I know that there will be a next wave of challenges like I know that yeah I know there's gonna be next wave of challenges so you know there's gonna be next wave of challenges is there 11:14 is there a fear behind that let's see and one I coach you on that is like what would Chris say there so got it okay versus asking because naturally I want to ask more questions I'm more curious but you're saying it's more and you can do a question but think about it as like what my Chris say, and I might 11:36 like, you're just trying to guess it some words that I would have in my mind. And you can do it as a question. 11:40 They're like, oh, are you thinking kind of this? Got it. Okay. So yeah, it's like, I know there's more work up ahead or something like that. 11:47 I know there's more. Yeah. What am I? I know it's going to be a next layer of challenges. You know, there's going to be next layer of challenges. 11:55 And that feels scary or feels challenging in some way. Yeah, it is gonna be challenging. It's like I wanna get fully excited about it. 12:04 Right. But I also know that like soon I'm gonna find the next layer of challenges and like, yeah. So there's excitement and there's also some fear of hesitation because you know the more you get excited about it, there's also gonna be more challenges. 12:17 Totally. And like, but I'm so stoked that the reception was positive and particularly like I had a bunch of people reach out about, okay, how do I do it myself? 12:28 right which is cool because that's a particularly unique aspect and also some people about the using it with their girlfriends in particular super cool yeah so I'm very excited about that super cool yeah and it sounds like there's still some some deeper hesitation I'm curious what's at the what's at 12:48 the root of that and yet a coaching on this one is like add the copy statement as well and then for or if you're doing questions, questions are good. 12:59 Try and do a closed-ended question. Okay. For example, so you could do like, oh, is it kind of, you're more concerned about this or you're more concerned about that? 13:07 Okay, okay. So really drilling down specifically. Yes, it's this context. Yeah, exactly. Or you basically closed question, or yes, no question. 13:16 Okay. Yeah, so how do a bunch of people are very excited but I'm like holding myself back from fully feeling all the excitement or something. 13:27 But it's like there, it wants to be felt. Yeah, there's the excitement. Yes. But there's also this element of holding you back because you are not sure about where this is all going, or because I think so. 13:46 I just like I know there's going to totally. And by the way, you can tell that resume with me because I immediately started like going off to something. 13:53 That's a good sign. and whenever you do make incorrect guesses as well, still helpful, think of it as, people always appreciate incorrect guesses. 14:04 Oh, and it's something I'll notice, like some people will feel uncomfortable about doing statements. Yeah. And in fact, a lot of people in that case, just do them all as questions. 14:14 Okay, they work equally well. Great. Yeah, totally. It's like I, I'm just certain there's gonna be an extra, there always is a next challenge. 14:23 Yeah, I'm really sorry right now. I just don't know what it's going to be Yeah, and that was great too by the way, I noticed there you kind of like that's something that I'll sometimes do in resonance is You basically did a copy statement while I was talking Which is great sometimes a challenge people 14:38 run into with resonance is Almost like the other person isn't used to getting resented and so they want to talk for so long The problem with that is like how effective your resonance is is It's proportional to how much resonance you're doing right so if you have to wait two minutes for them to respond 14:55 That's tough. It's gonna take a lot longer Yeah, so that way you did it just then it's kind of exactly how I would do it with someone that is yeah Talking a lot, right is like you just kind of overlaying it while they're going. 15:06 Yeah, they don't even need to stop Yeah, it's great. You're background track Yeah, there's gonna be some next challenge and I don't know what it is and like it'll probably fine, but probably annoying and And like I really want to feel this excitement, but I'm like hesitant because I don't know how big 15:21 the next challenge is gonna be Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you want to feel all the excitement for it But you're only yourself back because like you don't want to get too excited and then get smacked on the ground Exactly. 15:31 There's another challenge. Yeah, it's exactly. You know some guessing. So all right, so that's guess is done That's guess is okay. 15:36 Great. Um, the next one is that is exaggeration the way to think of exaggeration is There's kind of a couple reasons why someone's emotion might be stuck. 15:48 The first one is just like they haven't, it hasn't even been understood, so that's a copy statement. That's just like I'm making an understood, you feel understood. 15:57 Second is it's not kind of visible, that's a guest statement, it's like okay, now it's on the surface, it exists. 16:03 Right, there's clarity on what it is. And then the third one, if you've done the guest statements and you kind of know you need this is like if you've done the guest statements but the other person almost like they haven't moved on like there's still sometimes in their body language or there's still 16:17 like like you can see with me like you're still kind of conflicted about totally yeah yeah yeah yeah there's some stock emotion right and when we do the demo like we may not go to the end where I get the resolution yeah like it may take like another minute or two yeah and it's um or longer sometimes 16:34 yeah um or shorter And but that's how you can kind of tell like okay cool like what might be going on here is it seems like I found the right spot Yeah, but it's still there. 16:43 Yeah, therefore probably what's happening is It's the right thing by just the intensity at which this other person some part of them feels it Intensity that needs to be felt at hasn't been reached This is the tool that is you know zero similarity to acting with saying and it's also the hardest a lot 17:01 of people can't do it at all Yeah, at least on first try It's the most important tool for emotional regulation. 17:09 And because that's kind of where emotions get stuck is there way bigger. One analogy that I like a little bit in my head is you can think of resins kind of as related to VO2 max and resting hot rate recovery time. 17:25 So hot rate recovery time is like if someone else is feeling a big emotion, how quickly can you help them get back to calm open and falling? 17:33 Nice. It's like if you go to resins, you could probably do it in like two minutes most of the time, when someone else is feeling a big emotion. 17:39 And if you're not, sometimes it can literally take months, like people can have like months of stock dynamics, more commonly, it's gonna be like, you know, a day or whatever, they sleep it off. 17:47 Cause our body does naturally do all this kind of stuff. Right. Like when we sleep, we're regulating emotion. When we go to your class, we're regulating emotion. 17:53 Resonance is just a particularly kind of concentrated, yeah, directed tool, more directed, totally. And the, yeah, so the resolution is more directed. 18:07 An exaggeration statement is what we're going to do now. Yes. Okay. And what was I saying with the thing? An analogy you like to use is the VO2 max. 18:17 The VO2 max is kind of like how big of an immersion. Can you help someone feel out intense? Yeah. So that's kind of exaggerating. 18:23 Yeah, yeah. Makes sense. And in the reason why that is usually that's the last layer And that really is there is because our subconscious like we can like we can rationalize and feel things and we can talk about it But it's like it's bigger than then we're putting it into words and so we need to Mirror 18:41 them in this exaggeration. So let's let's hear it What to do this is you start out why exaggerating the words So it's like the first sentence might be like you kind of didn't like that and then the second sentence might be like You kind of hated that and the third might be like oh you've really hated 18:54 that the fourth might be like you hated that more than like anything things happen in the past few months. And then the last one, I'd be like, this is the worst thing that's happened for like the past like decade. 19:04 Well, the worst thing has ever happened to you. Yeah. You just kind of keep going. You'll know when it kind of gets to that right spot. 19:10 And it's statement, not question. You can do either again. Okay. If you've already landed the guesses and you know exactly what you're doing, then maybe you'll do statements. 19:20 Got it. If you haven't, then maybe you'll do questions. And the thinking here is, you always want to go slightly beyond what the other put what you think it might be you're very unlikely to get accurate yeah if you go a little bit beyond you might get enough okay if I have a motion that is like an 80 19:38 out of 100 and you give me residence on it at a 20 maybe it goes down to a 60 yeah you give me an 80 or above an 85 and 90 whatever it can go down to right or like close So, and yeah, you kind of do words for us and then tone. 19:57 Okay, got it. Yeah, I am, it's like there's the two big things, I think is like the, okay, I know, there's gonna be some like next challenge. 20:11 I don't know what it is. And like, I'm really, really, really stoked. But I'm like, this is making me hesitant to fully fill this. 20:19 Yeah, it sounds like this is one of the things you've been most excited about in your career even Yeah, totally. 20:26 Oh, yeah, absolutely which I have to feel really Resonance by the way you can see that immediately like okay. Yeah, that clearly resonated Which which feels exciting and also makes the fear the challenges that much more strong totally totally because it's like I'm like oh great This is sick and then 20:42 it's but it's also gonna be like immediately down from that kind of peak Yeah, it feels like it's it's it's it's a feel high stakes like is it feel high stakes with what you're working through? 20:51 It does feel high stakes. Yeah, it does feel high stakes. And it seems that that that tempers your ability to feel the excitement fully knowing that it's high stakes. 20:59 Yeah, and it's also just like it's all very novel. It's like a bunch of stuff that I haven't done before. 21:05 Normally I'm doing like bootstrap startups, just to make money. Yeah. And we're doing stuff in the VC world and the startup world. 21:15 But now I'm doing like this random emotional regulation stuff, tweeting about stuff, like doing podcasts or whatever, a bunch of stuff that I've never done. 21:23 So it's also, it's like the combo of super excited, also very novel. Yeah, super excited and also really novel. It's a whole different realm that you're playing in. 21:34 Totally, hold it from realm. Which is scary because there's also, there's also things that you don't know you don't know. 21:40 Totally. When it comes to that. And it feels like you have such a powerful tool, you're so passionate about sharing others that there's probably an element of crap if I mess this up and I'm not gonna be able to get this out to people who need it. 21:51 Um, less of the, if I, less of that, but mostly of the like, hmm, it's like, I just don't know what's gonna happen. 22:01 Yeah. And I like, I'm a bit uncomfortable about all the uncertainty. Yeah. I can see. I'm a bit uncomfortable about the uncertainty. 22:08 Yeah. Totally. And the uncertainty feels heavy, it feels, how does the uncertainty feel? Oh, you've done way more than three good ones. 22:15 Okay, go ahead. We'll stop in a second. Okay, yeah, interesting. Okay, cool. I like that. And then if you're going more from here, be like, oh, this is like the newest thing you've ever done. 22:25 Right. And also, so I kind of used guest statement at the end there of like, because I'm guessing. Which is correct, which is the right way to do it. 22:32 You kind of going back and forth between the two because I'm still trying to uncover and figure out because for me, if I'm putting myself in your shoes, I could see that would be something that I would be feeling was just like, Oh, like I want to share this people and if I mess it up, I'm not going to 22:45 yeah, and like that could have just Yes, always make the guess right okay, I make the guess yeah, but it didn't and was it uncomfortable for me to make a guess It was an accurate though. 22:54 It's not at all for me. Not at all for you. Okay, okay, and my sense is that maybe With someone that has not been resonated a bunch and also with a resonator that hasn't used it a bunch It'll probably feel a little awkward. 23:08 Yeah once either you they have been resonated a bunch or you have done it a bunch Yeah, then it's just part of the part of the game. 23:14 Totally chill. Yeah. OK. Yeah. So you could see there was a bunch of things there where you said that were really resonated and like some of those emotions, like, you know, processed. 23:24 And if you were doing it more, if it was like you wanted to go through the end where I'm up and I'm flying, you would just basically take the ones that worked best, repeat them, and do them at more intensity. 23:35 Got it. Sometimes it's like, well, you don't even need to change the intensity, because you're going to just stay on the spot. 23:40 Exactly, stay on the spot. Yeah, anytime it works like yeah, anytime something works for me as an exaggeration statement I will hit the same one like probably a couple times until it's no longer hitting right again So like there was more on the oil right so there was more for me to hit around the excitement 23:55 of how excited you actually Totally more to hit around they're like uncertain There's a bunch of things you said that really resonate and just more angi there. 24:01 Yeah, yeah Well the cool part about this too is just as I'm reflecting real times like we've talked about this But if through this conversation, I feel more connected with you through this because is I didn't realize how really excited and how big this was, this is for you. 24:16 Totally, and so through that, I now also get that feedback because your brother-in-law to be like, that's awesome, I feel like I understand you and I feel more connected to you through this process now. 24:26 Great way to feel more connected with what we care about. Great way to understand. Yeah, understanding what we care about. 24:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like, you just get it. Yeah, you're like in sync. Super cool, yeah. Love it. Okay, so that's exaggeration, that's resonance. 24:39 That's resonance. Boom. Congrats. Thank you. I'll give my level one badge brown belt. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I love very good. 24:48 I love to have a resonance dojo at some point. Yeah, that's cool. I like that the resonance dojo Very good. 24:55 Okay === 0:00 Imagine that a friend of yours is complaining about a bad day. They're like, ah, I want to stay in there with late and they were just talking about themselves and, um, they're super annoying and, uh, let's head to the before way might look like, oh, well, like, um, hey, like, at least like, at least 0:20 they weren't bad as an other person in the day with when this happened, so you kind of try and distract them from it or maybe you're trying to give them solutions like, oh, did you think about, like, kind of giving them a call to, like, find out, what the timing was like, or maybe it's like a reassurance 0:35 or like oh like don't worry like I know you're gonna find something like perfect for you and so well attended if you want but it's not next to it I'm not gonna lay very well if you want to feel more connected to the person you want to understand them better I do want to help them feel seen and you want 0:49 to help them to digest their emotions it might look more like oh like they were talking about themselves all the time and And they were like, yeah, they were super light. 1:00 And then maybe you say like, was it more annoying that they were late or more annoying that they didn't touch you to tell you? 1:09 Like, more than that didn't text me to tell me. Like, yeah, more than that didn't text you to tell you because like, they probably would have known that they were gonna be late like two hours ago and they could have given you a heads up. 1:20 And I'm like, yeah, it's exactly that it is. And you kind of keep going like that and you're literally helping them vent out those emotions that they are currently feeling. 1:31 Those emotions would naturally digest, you know, or during sleep and just like while people go about their day, but if you want to help them get back to that neutral flowing, you know, baseline sooner, this will help them. 1:42 It will help you feel more connected and they will appreciate it and sometimes in the course of doing this, someone will say, oh thank you so much, like you saw the problem, you're like, I didn't do anything, I didn't saw the problem, but you did because you help reflect back to them their motions, you 1:56 help them vent their motions and process and digest their motions and that kind of gives them that, gets into that clear place where then they can easily solve it for themselves. 2:06 So the residence one is, you know, is it modest or this, is it? And it's some reflection and then you get to exaggeration at some point. 2:12 Something I'll know about all this is like, this is life learning another language. You will be using broken English for the first 10 to 20 times to do it, or broken resonance. 2:25 And so some people will, you might think like, okay, someone's going to know I'm using a method. And the answer is like, yeah, and those first 10 to 20 conversations, like they might. 2:36 And so that can be a little bit weird, and it can make the early practice hard. Also, this early time can feel kind of robotic, can feel kind of fake. 2:45 All these examples, probably feel contrived, because they are can try examples in a will feel robotic in a will feel fake and that does suck I wish there was a I wish there was a solution maybe you notice what I'm doing as I'm kind of doing rather than it's about that it's like I do wish there was a 2:59 solution the I think what people find though is that once you get through that you know first 20 then it's like you start to learn the language and then it's like extraordinarily helpful makes you feel better makes people or anything about that. 3:14 And other thing you can do is you can tell, you can, well, two things I'd say. One is that the thing that's more like at a flag someone is like, what is this? 3:27 Is like the exaggeration that more exaggerated you are. Exaggeration is super helpful for someone processing that immersion, but they're also like weirdo because most of what I do them in regular conversation. 3:38 So there's A, you know, maybe say the exaggeration to light up B is if it's with your partner or a friend, you can give them a heads up or it's a old thing. 3:47 If it's a kid that's like three or five on there or something, they probably won't even notice. If it's an older kid, you may need to give them a heads up of like, hey, just a heads up at some point, you know, in the next like week or two, I'm going to try out using this communication methods like if 4:00 you're upset or something like this or you're or whatever I might try and use this different method and it might feel a little weird, but I'd like to try it. 4:10 Still. And that can be helpful. The other thing I'll say is like, there are different levels of challenge of conversations is like when you're both feeling calm. 4:20 That's the easiest time to resonate. There's like, you're feeling calm, they're feeling sad. That's a good option to practice. And then there's like the one way they're like, annoyed at you, that's harder. 4:29 And then there's the one way that you're both annoyed at each other, that's the hardest. It's like the best practice ones are probably when someone wants to vent, when someone's sad, and when it's not about year, they're not. 4:40 So you're not triggered, but they have emotions, they have strong feelings, they want to vent or they're scared or they're struggling with the decision or whatever. === 0:00 Imagine that, um, your friend is freaking out. They're really, really nervous about a job interview. They're before we look like a lot of reassurance. 0:09 You can crush it, like, you've got it. Like, they're gonna be crazy enough to hire you. Um, might be solutions, like, oh, have you, have you looked at this practice thing by the way? 0:18 Like, this has some really good advice and really good tips. Um, it might be, yeah, I felt this, um, and like, what I ended up doing was this and that worked really well. 0:29 It might be some logic of like, oh yeah, but you know, like if you try this method like that will help you kind of like calm down and relax, not going to answer more. 0:40 If you would like to help them and feel really connected to them and help them feel seen and just kind of help them regulate their emotions around it. 0:50 The more residents approach might look something like might look like maybe you start with a closer question like oh are you more like worried because you feel like you haven't practiced like because you want to practice more or you're more just like worried because it just feels so high stakes now like 1:07 it feels so high six so then you're like it feels so high stakes like it feels like it all kind of rides on this like one conversation is that kind of how you're feeling like Yeah, it all feels like it's riding on this one conversation and then you're like that feels you wish you feel like that's so 1:21 silly like You wish that it could be multiple things It didn't have to all be condensed on this one like ultra high-stakes thing You're kind of doing this exaggeration about the point that they feel really strong about And you may not get to the point that they feel really strong that straightaway You 1:35 have to do a little bit more exploration first that will help them feel seen or help you understand what's actually going on for them and it'll help the emotions digest. 1:46 If you have any questions please send me a DM or reply. I love answering questions. I'm also curious if there's any scenarios you'd want to see examples. 1:57 I'll feel free to send those to me in the DMs as well. ```