![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris & this is an overview of resonance. I’m the co-founder of an executive coaching marketplace for VC-backed startups. This is my number one emotional tool. **Resonance is a way of speaking that you can use to help others regulate their emotions.** **People mostly use it in their close relationships** -- whoever comes to them for support, and whoever they get support from. Mostly partners, close friends, sometimes co-workers, sometimes themselves. It takes about an hour of practice to get to a medium skill level, but you can get the basics in a few minutes. It's kind of like an upgraded version of active listening. Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son. <div style="max-width: 300px;"> <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 177.77777777777777%; height: 0;"> <iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/549bfa2c9ee447aba15c9430305cfca7?sid=b2e12aa8-522a-4b63-8956-6767747510f2" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"> </iframe> </div> </div> Instead of trying to fix someone's emotions or give them advice, resonance uses copy statements, guesses, and exaggerations. ❌ **Reassurance:** "Oh, don't worry, you don't need to be upset, it's okay!" ❌ **Explanations:** "Oh, that's not a problem because of this reason or that reason!" ❌ **Fixing:** "Oh, have you thought about this solution or that solution?" ❌ **Advice:** "I think what you need to do is this." (Can you still give advice or help or reassure? Yes, resonance is just about addressing the emotions *first* before fixing them. Emotions first, logic second, once the emotions have passed.) **To learn it, see here:** 1. This 25 minute podcast excerpt [here on twitter](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1948054411256975762) (or [here](https://www.loom.com/share/fac2ab803f0c4b8887f627958c6a34cb?sid=cbaad38d-19e3-457c-b707-0e99848f69da) if you don't have twitter) 2. If you'd like more, check out: 1. The full episode on Josh's podcast: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GWncyea7Fh7pk7xLn5pLe?si=6a3b93c54f444531), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-way-you-lead/id1475360470?i=1000717756232), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4zfwAPaFA) 2. The full episode on Daniel's podcast: [Twitter/X](https://x.com/dkazand/status/1927849362153165169), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10gCmUIpNMON52x38npn9v?si=nlwXb3PoRQaUuUgk0CZBPQ), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/36-chris-barber-how-to-regulate-emotions-with-words/id1634047573?i=1000710344965), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlMFd6z8LCQ) **FAQ** **More examples?** Here are [[Two more resonance with kids examples]]. **How to use this for self-regulation?** [Guide](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1930729537035509794). **Will the other person notice it's a technique? Does it still work?** My suggested approach: 1. At first, only use it in very basic low stakes situations 2. For close relationships where you occasionally have emotional high stakes situations (e.g. partner, kids, cofounder), give them a heads up that it's something you might use next time you're arguing or you'd like to give them emotional support My wife and I use resonance with each other all the time, we know we're doing it, it still works great even when we know they're doing it and even when we disagree with each other. As long as the resonator is emotionally regulated enough to hold space for the other person's emotions. You can wish they'd change their mind, that's okay, but you need to have enough space in your heart/nervous system for however they'll react, and for their worldview. **What other tools have I tried that I now use resonance instead of?** IFS (internal family systems), coherence therapy, core transformation, nonviolent communication, conscious leadership group clearing model, focusing and felt sense, alexander technique, wholeness method, the five love languages and apology languages, Swedish massage, John Sarno (it combines well, basically you can just resonate body parts/areas), somatic experiencing, bioemotive, motivational interviewing, ACT, CBT, transcendental meditation. My favorite other tools are, in order: core transformation, John Sarno, Swedish massage, 5 love languages, and IFS. **If I resonate them do I have to give them what they want / do I have to agree?** Short answer: no, resonance is just about making them feel understood. Only agree with them if you genuinely agree. You can resonate even when you disagree: e.g. "you really wish I thought the sky was green". My suggestion is resonate them first or resonate each other, and then take some space for 5-10 minutes, and then decide what you both feel most peaceful about doing. [Longer answer](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1932088334782025854). I've collected [more resources/questions in my replies here](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1927854298513428992). #### Quotes from friends about how they use resonance > ![[josh-singer.png|40]] "I use it 70% with partner, cofounder 5%, team members 20%, others 5%" – Josh Singer > ![[griffin-choe.png|40]] "it's been helpful for feeling more peaceful about work and future trajectory, and in relationship with family" – Griffin Choe > ![[george-zeng.png|40]] "for me (1) it's wanting to make my partner feel emotionally validated. maybe a distant (2) helping me build trust and resonance in professional relationships" – George Zeng > "for me it's about unsticking emotions for myself and my friends when I am frustrated or not sure what to do about something" – my brother >![[ben_circular_noresize.png|40]] "I think it's one of the most useful skills I've ever learned. And I think it'll just get better and better." – Ben Pan > "when people around me are not doing so hot i can help them more" "this shit works bro" – Justin Yang (supporting friends)