![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris & this is an overview of resonance. I’m the co-founder of an executive coaching marketplace for VC-backed startups. This is my number one emotional tool. ### Resonance is a way of speaking to help others regulate their emotions **Resonance is a way of speaking that you can use to help others regulate their emotions.** **People mostly use it in their close relationships** -- whoever comes to them for support, and whoever they get support from. Mostly partners, close friends, kids, sometimes co-workers, sometimes themselves. It takes about an hour of practice to get to a medium skill level, but you can get the basics in a few minutes. It's kind of like an upgraded version of active listening. Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son. <div style="max-width: 300px;"> <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 177.77777777777777%; height: 0;"> <iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/549bfa2c9ee447aba15c9430305cfca7?sid=b2e12aa8-522a-4b63-8956-6767747510f2" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"> </iframe> </div> </div> ### Resonance is an alternative to fixing, giving advice, and reassurance Instead of trying to fix someone's emotions or give them advice, resonance uses copy statements, guesses, and exaggerations. ❌ **Reassurance:** "Oh, don't worry, you don't need to be upset, it's okay!" ❌ **Explanations:** "Oh, that's not a problem because of this reason or that reason!" ❌ **Fixing:** "Oh, have you thought about this solution or that solution?" ❌ **Advice:** "I think what you need to do is this." (Can you still give advice or help or reassure? Yes, resonance is just about addressing the emotions *first* before fixing them. Emotions first, logic second, once the emotions have passed.) ### To learn the basics, listen to one of these podcasts Podcast excerpt: <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/fac2ab803f0c4b8887f627958c6a34cb?sid=5f56fa26-728f-4b9c-9c79-98ac75f187fe" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> Full episodes 1. Josh's podcast: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GWncyea7Fh7pk7xLn5pLe?si=6a3b93c54f444531), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-way-you-lead/id1475360470?i=1000717756232), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4zfwAPaFA) 2. Daniel's podcast: [Twitter/X](https://x.com/dkazand/status/1927849362153165169), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10gCmUIpNMON52x38npn9v?si=nlwXb3PoRQaUuUgk0CZBPQ), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/36-chris-barber-how-to-regulate-emotions-with-words/id1634047573?i=1000710344965), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlMFd6z8LCQ) ### To increase your skill level, join a zoom workshop **(Beta edition) Zoom workshop:** Join a zoom workshop. [Put your email here.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc54C5vH12GdfndjKqce-C8qpuA1hih85hEO8yRGK9F2FEp9w/viewform?usp=dialog) No fee, no donations, just me sharing a tool I'm obsessed with. ### Main ways to use resonance 1. Relationships: With your partner 2. Parents: With kids 3. Healthcare workers: Supporting patients 4. Entrepreneurs: Team members, clients, cofounders 5. Coaches and self-development types: With clients, and with yourself (self-resonance) **When to use it?** * Someone is in a "bad mood" and wants help getting unstuck * Tension/conflict * Stuck decisions * When you want emotional support * When someone wants emotional support from you * When someone wants to feel seen & understood ### FAQ **More examples?** Here are [[Two more resonance with kids examples]]. **How to use this for self-regulation?** [Guide](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1930729537035509794). **Will the other person notice it's a technique or feel like it's condescending? Does it still work?** My suggested approach: 1. At first, only use it in very basic low stakes situations 2. For close relationships where you occasionally have emotional high stakes situations (e.g. partner, kids, cofounder), give them a heads up that it's something you might use next time you're arguing or you'd like to give them emotional support My wife and I use resonance with each other all the time, we know we're doing it, it still works great even when we know they're doing it and even when we disagree with each other. As long as the resonator is emotionally regulated enough to hold space for the other person's emotions. You can wish they'd change their mind, that's okay, but you need to have enough space in your heart/nervous system for however they'll react, and for their worldview. **What other tools have I tried that I now use resonance instead of?** IFS (internal family systems), coherence therapy, core transformation, nonviolent communication, conscious leadership group clearing model, focusing and felt sense, alexander technique, wholeness method, the five love languages and apology languages, Swedish massage, John Sarno (it combines well, basically you can just resonate body parts/areas), somatic experiencing, bioemotive, motivational interviewing, ACT, CBT, transcendental meditation. My favorite other tools are, in order: core transformation, John Sarno, Swedish massage, 5 love languages, and IFS. **If I resonate them do I have to give them what they want / do I have to agree?** Short answer: no, resonance is just about making them feel understood. Only agree with them if you genuinely agree. You can resonate even when you disagree: e.g. "you really wish I thought the sky was green". My suggestion is resonate them first or resonate each other, and then take some space for 5-10 minutes, and then decide what you both feel most peaceful about doing. [Longer answer](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1932088334782025854). I've collected [more resources/questions in my replies here](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1927854298513428992). ### Quotes from friends about how they use resonance ![[josh-singer.png|40]] **Josh Singer** (uses resonance with partner, coworkers) > Who Josh uses resonance with: > ![[Pasted image 20250917063145.png|400]] ![[george-zeng.png|40]] **George Zeng** (partner resonance) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061447.png|400]] ![[nina-barber 1.png|40]] **my wife Nina** (with herself, with me, with our kids) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061909.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062322.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062427.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062359.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062453.png|400]] **my brother** (self with decisions, supporting friends) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061352.png|400]] **Alton Sun** (with friends, with partner) > ![[images/Pasted image 20241203054624.png|400]] ![[maile-minardi.png|40]] **Maile Minardi** (friends, relatives) > ![[Pasted image 20250917063031.png|400]] ![[ben_circular_noresize.png|40]] **Ben Pan** (self, friends, anyone) > "I think it's one of the most useful skills I've ever learned. And I think it'll just get better and better." > ![[Pasted image 20250917062035.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917061607.png|400]] **Justin Yang** (supporting friends) > ![[Pasted image 20250917085442.png|400]] **my sister** (nursing patients, friends) > ![[images/Pasted image 20241203054825.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917061642.png|400]] About me: [[Chris Barber]]