![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris. This is an overview of resonance. Resonance is a communication tool for helping others regulate their emotions. It's most commonly for people who are in relationships or who have kids. It's also for 1) people whose jobs involve big emotions or giving support: coaches, cofounders, customer success managers and healthcare workers, and 2) people interested in inner work practices: parts work, emotional processing and self-regulation. The world doesn't really teach people how to sit with feelings. So people's default with big or uncomfortable feelings is to fix them, explain them away, or use reassurance. ❌ **Reassurance:** "Don't worry, you don't need to be upset, it's okay!" ❌ **Explanations or rationalizations:** "Oh, that's not a problem because of this reason!" ❌ **Fixing:** "Have you thought about this solution?" If you've ever tried to vent to someone and they give you back advice and explanations, you'll know how that feels. The challenge is that then the emotion doesn't get processed, it gets buried under all of that logic and reassurance. Resonance is a set of three tools. The tools give an alternative to reassuring or fixing when someone, or yourself, is sad, upset, annoyed, or scared. It's about giving presence to the emotion and reflecting it. They're most gamechanger for support with high stakes emotions, but the same tools work for connecting more deeply, for celebrating, or for coaching and giving advice. It's similar to active listening. Active listening gives you paraphrasing and open ended questions. Resonance adds on three new tools: copies, guesses, and exaggerations. How it looks: **In parenting:** *Imagine a kid is really sad because they dropped their banana.* *Without resonance, a parent might reassure or fix: "Oh, it's okay, it's fine, we can clean it off, we can get you a new one." That's a parent being uncomfortable with the sadness and trying to fix it as quickly as possible.* *With resonance, a parent might observe and reflect: "Oh, that must've been so disappointing! You only just got it. And you were excited to eat it." If they’re resonating their child, they'd probably also add hugs, breathing with them and all that good co-regulation stuff. They’d keep going like that: figuring out what their child is feeling, copying, and making guesses, until they can figure out their child’s experience and reflect it. Then, normally within a minute, their kid’s emotion would dissolve and the kid would go back to playing. And if the kid still needs a solution, the caregiver would do it after the kid’s emotions have been reflected, so the emotions have processed and digested.* *That’s resonance in parenting.* **In relationships:** *In a relationship, imagine one partner comes home later than they'd said, and the partner that was waiting says "I've been waiting for you, you're 45 minutes late".* *Without resonance, the other partner might react defensively: "Well, I told you that I might be late. Why didn't you work on some other things while you were waiting?"* *With resonance, the partner might respond with: "I was 45 minutes later than I said. That's a lot. And because you didn't know if I was going to arrive in 5 minutes or 60 minutes were you unsure of how big of an activity you could get into, or is it more that it just felt annoying that I didn't update you on my timing earlier?" That'll diffuse the emotions and help the couple feel connected again much faster.* It's the same story in parenting, relationships, coaching, with cofounders, and with yourself. First, stay with the emotions and the experience. Do this with a mix of reflecting back what you’re hearing and seeing, making guesses, checking where you’re right, and exaggerating as needed. Then, once the emotions have processed, move onto logic. Avoid adding logic while emotions are still active - that's like pouring gasoline on a fire. Instead, resonance is like cool water or sand. So resonance is this kind of reflection based communication method that helps others digest and process their emotions - get emotionally regulated - by making them feel seen. It has similarities or complements tools like active listening, reflective listening, IFS internal family systems parts work, Gottman parenting, motivational interviewing, tactical empathy, how to talk so kids will listen, 5 love languages, and nonviolent communication. What's the downside? The main downside is that it takes effort to learn. The first 30 minutes of practice are kind of frustrating, it feels robotic and fake, and there's too much to think about. After another 30 minutes, you start to get it, but it's still a lot to think about. Then with a few months of occasional practice you'll get the skill. That's a long time - you can also get the basics in a day or two of focused practice. It's not a script you can read and then use - it's more like learning how to ride a bike or learning a new language. ✅ Reflect what they're saying or doing ✅ Reflect what their tone or body language is saying ✅ Be present with their experience without trying to fix their feelings ✅ Help them feel seen and understood **Instead of reassuring someone, use resonance.** ### People love to feel seen, heard, and understood. There are a few skill levels of resonance. 1. Easy: You're relaxed, they're relaxed. 2. Medium: You're relaxed, they're stressed, but the situation doesn't involve you. 3. Hard: You're stressed, they're stressed too. 4. Very hard: You're stressed, they're stressed, and the situation involves you / you're annoyed at each other. Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son - this is a situation where he's stressed, I'm relaxed, and I'm using resonance to support him in processing his emotions. <div style="max-width: 300px;"> <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 177.77777777777777%; height: 0;"> <iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/549bfa2c9ee447aba15c9430305cfca7?sid=b2e12aa8-522a-4b63-8956-6767747510f2" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"> </iframe> </div> </div> ### Resonance is for supporting and connecting with your partner, kids, friends, family, colleagues, and yourself. Quotes of my friends and relatives about when they use it: * Maile Minardi, with **friends** and **relatives**: *"it's funny to realize that people don't actually want solutions - they just want to be heard"* * My brother, with **himself** and with **friends**: *"for me it's about ... finding inner peace over a difficult decision ... and getting closer to my friends by being more supportive"* * Josh Singer, with his **partner** and **team**: *"70% partner, cofounder 5%, team members 20%"* * George Zeng, with his **partner**: *"for me it's wanting to make my partner feel emotionally validated"* * My sister, with **patients** at work: *"I didn't really know what to say ... so I just resonated and it worked so well"* * My wife Nina, with **herself**: "IFS (internal family systems parts work) and other tools always seemed to be missing something, but once I practiced resonance it was clearly the path to loving self talk" ### To learn the basics, listen to one of these podcasts Podcast excerpt: <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/fac2ab803f0c4b8887f627958c6a34cb?sid=5f56fa26-728f-4b9c-9c79-98ac75f187fe" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> Before resonance, you might have two main tools you use to help support people. 1. Open ended questions: This is something you probably already know and do. 2. Paraphrasing: This is something you probably already know and do. Both of those are good. Resonance adds three tools to your toolbelt. 1. Copies 2. Guesses 3. Exaggerations Different people prefer using and receiving different tools. Some people LOVE receiving exaggerations. Some people LOVE receiving guesses. Some people LOVE using copies. Try them on. Get 15 minutes of practice at each tool, and then just use the ones you like. Full episodes 1. Josh's podcast: [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3GWncyea7Fh7pk7xLn5pLe?si=6a3b93c54f444531), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-way-you-lead/id1475360470?i=1000717756232), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6E4zfwAPaFA) 2. Daniel's podcast: [Twitter/X](https://x.com/dkazand/status/1927849362153165169), [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/episode/10gCmUIpNMON52x38npn9v?si=nlwXb3PoRQaUuUgk0CZBPQ), [Apple](https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/36-chris-barber-how-to-regulate-emotions-with-words/id1634047573?i=1000710344965), [YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DlMFd6z8LCQ) ### To increase your skill level, join a zoom workshop It takes about an hour of practice to get to a medium skill level, but you can get the basics in a few minutes. Zoom workshop: [Put your email here.](https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSc54C5vH12GdfndjKqce-C8qpuA1hih85hEO8yRGK9F2FEp9w/viewform?usp=dialog) No fee, no donations, just me sharing a tool I'm obsessed with. ### FAQ **More examples?** Here are [[Two more resonance with kids examples]]. **How to use this for self-regulation?** [Guide](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1930729537035509794). **Will the other person notice it's a technique or feel like it's condescending? Does it still work?** Yes, they might notice it's a technique, and yes, it can still work. When you're learning and you want to use it in a close relationship, give them a heads up in advance: If you'd like to use it with your partner or kids or similar, give them a heads up that you'll try it out, and give them a heads up that they'll probably think "what are you doing" and that it's weird. Ask them to let you try it in 10 conversations anyway. Instead of telling them this in a high stakes moment, give them the heads up at a different time when nothing is going on. Start with practicing in situations that don't involve you, before using it in arguments. Resonance works great in arguments if you already have the skill. Resonance doesn't work well to learn *during* an argument. **What are the limitations of resonance?** If you have no desire to make the other person feel seen and understood, it won't work well - in those situations, perhaps get 5-10 minutes of alone time, or try resonating with yourself (talk to yourself out loud, mirroring yourself, without judgement or trying to shift what you're feeling). If you're in an argument - resonance can work - but only if you've already got the skills. You can't learn it in high stakes situations - you need to learn it in low stakes situations. If your kid is having a tantrum - resonance can prevent tantrums, but it doesn't work well for stopping them after they've already started. **How might you use it as a parent?** 1. Level 1 - As a way to connect and listen to your kids during car rides: asking them about their experiences, and purely reflecting, without reassurance, instead, sitting with their experiences and feelings. 2. Level 1 - As a way to connect and listen to your kids pre-bed: being present with their emotions. 3. Level 1 - As a way to play with your kids by observing and describing what they're doing without adding any of your opinions or direction. 4. Level 2 - When your kid is crying or upset, and you're calm and relaxed: to help them process their emotions. 5. Level 3 - When you need to enforce boundaries and you want to stay connected during that. These ones are difficult, practice with level 1 and 2 first. **What are the common mistakes?** 1. People over-paraphrase and slip advice or opinions into their paraphrases. 2. People put advice or solutions into their guesses. 3. People tell the other person what they think or what they realize, rather than staying with what the other person is saying and showing. In general, our impulse to fix someone else's emotions is strong, and so that leads us to want to reassure. We can't handle their emotions, so we want to fix them. Using resonance helps you build the muscle to stay present with someone else's emotions or your own emotions. **What are the common hesitations when learning?** 1. This feels robotic. 2. This feels fake. 3. There's a lot to think about, so I can't be present in the conversation. Yes, learners commonly feel all three of those. What I've seen is that after about 30-60 minutes of practice, those challenges start to fade. So, it's helpful to expect that you might feel those at first. **How do you know if it worked?** If the other person says "yes, exactly!!" or they breathe a sigh of relief or they become much more open or relaxed. **What other tools have I tried that I now use resonance instead of?** IFS (internal family systems), coherence therapy, core transformation, nonviolent communication, conscious leadership group clearing model, focusing and felt sense, alexander technique, wholeness method, the five love languages and apology languages, Swedish massage, John Sarno (it combines well, basically you can just resonate body parts/areas), somatic experiencing, bioemotive, motivational interviewing, ACT, CBT, transcendental meditation. My favorite other tools are, in order: core transformation, John Sarno, Swedish massage, 5 love languages, and IFS. **If I resonate them do I have to give them what they want / do I have to agree?** You don't have to agree with them. You can resonate even when you disagree: e.g. "you really think the sky is green - and you wish I thought the sky was green too!" If you're in a disagreement, resonance can work well, *if* you've already gotten an hour of practice in easier situations. If you have, try resonating them first until they feel totally understood and they say "yes exactly you get it" - then take some space for 5-10 minutes, then come back and decide what you want to do. If you're in a disagreement but haven't practiced resonance much yet, skip it for now, practice in low stakes and try in a future disagreement. [Longer answer](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1932088334782025854). I've collected [more resources/questions in my replies here](https://x.com/chrisbarber/status/1927854298513428992). ### How is it used? It's mostly used in the closest pair relationships. Partner<>partner, parent<>child, cofounder<>cofounder. **For parents:** When kids are upset, adults often try and fix their emotions. They reassure, explain, or offer solutions. Resonance gives an alternative: it's a kind of emotion language you can use to help kids process their emotions and stay in connection with them. **For emotional support in relationships:** Partners come to each other to vent. Often, the response is to fix their problem or offer solutions and advice. Instead, resonance shows you how to sit with their emotions and help them feel seen. **For preventing or dissolving conflict in relationships:** Conflict navigation in relationships is hard. Things become arguments. Resonance is a set of tools that give you an alternative to arguing, to de-escalate. Resonance can help prevent conflict before it starts by giving you a way to respond without resistance, and instead, that feels like you're flowing together so even when you disagree you can still be in connection. **For connecting more deeply in relationships:** Partners constantly make bids for connection to each other. Little shares. Thoughts. Ideas. Seeking support. Wanting to vent. Wanting to celebrate. When they're responded to with explanations or logic, a bit of the magic is lost. It doesn't feel like flowing together. Resonance is a way to create more flow in a conversation with someone when you want to feel more connected. **For coaches or people whose job involves giving support:** If you're a coach, a healthcare worker, in customer success, or similar, then people are constantly bringing you challenges. Most problems are people problems, and most people problems are emotion problems. The default if you don't have an alternative is probably to use explanations and logic to try and help them feel better, and to jump into solving the challenge. Resonance gives a new tool that you can use first, to diffuse and dissolve some of the emotions first, before you move onto the logic. **For cofounders:** Cofounder relationships are like a marriage. There are thousands of important decisions and situations. When cofounders don't see eye to eye, they often default to using logic to make their case. Instead, resonance shows a way to make each party feel seen first, before moving to logic. Emotions first, logic second. **For yourself:** People often rationalize their feelings. Resonance gives a way to sit with your feelings. Maybe you're unsure, maybe you're avoiding something, procrastinating, wishing you'd done something differently, or just trying to figure something out. Resonance helps you digest and dissolve some of the emotions first, before thinking it through. **For couples and families:** Doing a 2 minute daily resonance circle - where one person shares what's going on for them or how they're feeling, and the other people just reflect it back with zero advice, zero fixing, is a nice way to create connection and help people emotionally sync. Resonance helps you dissolve bad vibes or feel good vibes even more deeply. It's like some mix of an emotional processing method and a listening method and a conflict method and a connection method and an emotional regulation or co-regulation method. It’s about how to feel your feelings or help someone else feel their feelings. It’s how to help someone vent their emotions get back to peace and connection. ### Quotes from friends about how they use resonance ![[josh-singer.png|40]] **Josh Singer** (uses resonance with partner, coworkers) > Who Josh uses resonance with: > ![[Pasted image 20250917063145.png|400]] ![[george-zeng.png|40]] **George Zeng** (partner resonance) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061447.png|400]] ![[nina-barber 1.png|40]] **my wife Nina** (with herself, with me, with our kids) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061909.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062322.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062427.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062359.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917062453.png|400]] **my brother** (self with decisions, supporting friends) > ![[Pasted image 20250917061352.png|400]] **Alton Sun** (with friends, with partner) > ![[images/Pasted image 20241203054624.png|400]] ![[maile-minardi.png|40]] **Maile Minardi** (friends, relatives) > ![[Pasted image 20250917063031.png|400]] ![[ben_circular_noresize.png|40]] **Ben Pan** (self, friends, anyone) > "I think it's one of the most useful skills I've ever learned. And I think it'll just get better and better." > ![[Pasted image 20250917062035.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917061607.png|400]] **Justin Yang** (supporting friends) > ![[Pasted image 20250917085442.png|400]] **my sister** (nursing patients, friends) > ![[images/Pasted image 20241203054825.png|400]] > ![[Pasted image 20250917061642.png|400]] About me: [[Chris Barber]]