![[chris-barber-image.png|40]] I'm Chris & this is a guide to learning resonance. I’m the CEO of an executive coaching marketplace that’s served hundreds of VC-backed startups. This is my number one emotional tool. ### Resonance is an emotional regulation tool. People use resonance to help others (eg partner) process big emotions. It's kind of like an upgraded version of active listening. Technically it’s something like “interpersonal emotional regulation via attunement and high intensity mirroring or validation.” Here's a 24 second video of me resonating my son. <div style="max-width: 300px;"> <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 177.77777777777777%; height: 0;"> <iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/549bfa2c9ee447aba15c9430305cfca7?sid=b2e12aa8-522a-4b63-8956-6767747510f2" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"> </iframe> </div> </div> ### Instead of trying to fix someone's emotions or give them advice, resonance uses copy statements, guesses, and exaggerations. ❌ "Oh, have you thought about this solution or that solution?" ❌ "Oh, that's not a problem because of this reason or that reason!" ❌ "Oh, don't worry, you don't need to be upset, it's okay!" ❌ **Reassurance** ❌ **Explanations** ❌ **Fixing** ❌ **Advice** Resonance uses: ✅ **Copy Statements:** repeat some of what they're saying ✅ **Guesses:** guess what they're thinking or implying but not saying ✅ **Exaggerations:** repeat your Copy/Guess but with more intensity until the emotion processes Resonance vs Active Listening: * Copy statements - High similarity, though resonance focuses more on using some of their exact words, and less on paraphrasing. * Guess statements - Medium similarity, though resonance focuses more on saying what they're thinking in their words, whereas active listening might focus more on labeling or paraphrasing. * Exaggerations - Low similarity. | Tools | They feel understood | They feel seen | They feel emotionally regulated | | ------------------------------------------------ | -------------------- | -------------- | ------------------------------- | | Reassuring, Explaining, Fixing, or Giving Advice | ❌ | ❌ | ❌ | | Copy statements | ✅ | ❌ | ❌ | | Copy + guess statements | ✅ | 🆗 | ❌ | | Copy + guess + exaggeration statements | ✅ | ✅ | ✅ | > ![[prasanna_circular_noresize.png|30]] Prasanna's explanation of resonance: Sometime we have such high energy emotions that we get blocked on releasing them. When someone else builds an emotional bridge with us, it lets us let go of the emotions. Resonance is the technique that allows you to do that with words and expressions, in three steps to build the bridge - heard, seen and resonated/released. ### These are quotes from my friends about how they use resonance. People mostly use it with their partner. Other common uses are with kids, coaching clients, cofounders, friends, and themselves ("self-resonance"). **People in relationships:** > ![[josh-singer.png|40]] "I use it 70% with partner, cofounder 5%, team members 20%, others 5%" – Josh Singer > ![[griffin-choe.png|40]] "it's been helpful for feeling more peaceful about work and future trajectory, in relationship with my girlfriend, and in relationship with parents" – Griffin Choe > ![[george-zeng.png|40]] "for me (1) it's wanting to make my partner feel emotionally validated. maybe a distant (2) helping me build trust and resonance in professional relationships" – George Zeng **People who are really into personal growth, or coaches or similar:** > ![[nina-barber 1.png|40]] "I feel like IFS (internal family systems) and other stuff fell short, I understood the triggers but they didn't go away. But resonance once I was aware and had practiced a bunch was clear it was the path to reducing a lot of triggers" – my wife Nina **And some other use cases (mostly helping close friends, or helping themselves):** > ![[josh-singer.png|40]] "I think it would drastically change the next year of our business." – Josh Singer (resonance with co-founders) > "for me it's about unsticking emotions for myself and my friends when I am frustrated or not sure what to do about something" – my brother > "when people around me are not doing so hot i can help them more" "this shit works bro" – Justin Yang (supporting friends) > ![[herrick-fang.png|40]] it's helped with "how to make myself feel better about which choices i wanna take" and "has helped me identify if i actually do/do not want to do something" – Herrick Fang > "I just textbook resonated and it worked so well" – my sister (she's a nurse and uses it to help patients) ### Copies ![[Pasted image 20250519094808.png]] The first tool is Copy Statements. Instead of paraphrasing, try and use at least 3 of their exact words! **These are examples from sessions where I taught resonance to friends:** **Here Tim does a great copy statement "bummer" and "in limbo" -- and does a great job catching himself before jumping into "fixing" my problem. Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/2aae6cfb53ca4a22ab49f94fc310c112?sid=225d804f-e59d-4bf7-968c-1223436774a9" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> **Rick does a great copy statement "you're dreading mailchimp" and another "they might've deleted your account potentially." Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/ebd9497b6dd640c196d50f5108996089?sid=f6e61f08-37c5-4374-addc-95d4bd81d26f" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> **Here Griffin does a great copy statement "you think the reality is you don't wanna go." Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/bea8898aedda4ddf9a4ddb829fe954f8?sid=5f37ce03-96f2-4f2f-ac39-6f6678049a93" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> ### Guesses ![[Pasted image 20250519095124.png]] Guess Statements = Copy Statement + "But"/"Because"/"You Wish" + Say What They're Thinking But Not Saying. ❌ Analyzing them with your guess ("it seems like you're feeling sad?") ✅ Saying what they're thinking, but not saying, using the words *they* would use ("you really don't want to have to start again?") ✅ Guessing with statements ❌ Guessing with open-ended questions ✅ Guessing with closed-ended questions (yes/no, or multiple choice like "is it this, or is it that?") **Ron does a great copy "you're really curious" and guess "and maybe a bit nervous" and "it's playing on hard mode." Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/a3447ab5325a425486c32b3b418b22ee?sid=c07a4d23-758e-4f9e-82d8-ef42b0a1ee77" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> **Bella does a great copy ("part of you wants to do it now" "but it's scary") and guess ("you have these two parts debating"). Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/66ac7243312c4546994f3e9bdac4e1e2?sid=d2014f5c-0500-46ce-bb4e-4d165bf2b23f" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> ### Exaggerations ![[Pasted image 20250519095138.png]] Exaggeration Statement = Whenever you do a Copy or a Guess that resonates, but you can tell they feel it even more strongly; then repeat your Copy/Guess but with stronger words! "You don't love that they did that?" ➕ "You actually kinda hate that they did that?" ➕ ➕ "You think it's TERRIBLE that they did that?" ➕ ➕ ➕ "You cannot BELIEVE that they did that, to you it's SO MEAN! UGH!" This is the most important tool. It's the one that actually does the work of helping the emotions flow. Exaggerations are hard! Tips for Exaggeration Statements: * At first, expect that people may be somewhat hesitant about exaggeration statements. * They might dismiss your exaggeration as, "yeah but it's actually not a big deal." Don't force it, just go back to basic copy and guess statements where they are. Resonance is about what they want to communicate, not what you want them to communicate, so even if you're sure it's true, that doesn't mean it'll resonate. * You'll likely only use exaggeration statements with people you're close enough to feel mutual trust. * Exaggeration statements may take a bit of getting used to both for you, the resonator, but also for the other person. Eventually, they're likely to feel indispensable in close relationships, but they may feel confusing at first. **Maile does a great exaggeration here, with exaggerated words, body language, and tone. Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/8a0f3ff39d6a43f685b069a5299c9910?sid=1bb812ee-947a-4aed-a9f7-5e77b1ab8117" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> **My mum does a great job here with some exaggeration statements. The copies are "tiny bit" and "the gardeners" and the guesses are "you wish you'd taken the opportunity" and the exaggeration is the way she's exaggerating with tone and body language. Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/f91813f17eac4cf98965e34b85780313?sid=5add95a9-10af-42bc-98dd-25073f850727" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> **Griffin does a great copy statement ("feel bad"), guess statement ("you almost wish you didn't have to do it"), and exaggeration (with his tone and body language) here. Resonated!** <div style="position: relative; padding-bottom: 56.25%; height: 0;"><iframe src="https://www.loom.com/embed/b4c4faaa63614ff6b4ea9ef1320e4716?sid=b71378ae-b3f4-4598-97cb-329c7d2e75f7" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen style="position: absolute; top: 0; left: 0; width: 100%; height: 100%;"></iframe></div> ### If you practice resonance in about twenty conversations, it'll feel easier and natural. ![[Pasted image 20250519095329.png]] Your first 10-20 resonance conversations may feel awkward and forced. Once you've practiced resonance in 20+ conversations, then you'll feel familiar enough with it, and you might automatically use resonance in a stressful conversation. ### Resonance is simple on paper. Doing it is harder. Exaggeration statements are hardest! ![[Pasted image 20250417102519.png]] It might make logical sense to you. And then when you try it, you won't do it right! Things that people struggle with when intending to practice resonance: * They accidentally add things like "I understand how you feel" or "I hear you" * They only paraphrase, and don't add any copy words * They ask open-ended questions like "how are you feeling about it?" * They try and force the conversation to shift to optimism when the other person is still pessimistic * They give an analysis of the other person's situation that resonates with them, rather than one that resonates with the other person * When they're first learning copy and guess statements, it's a bit overwhelming and they can't quite do both copies and guesses * When they're learning guess statements, their brain is a bit overwhelmed, so they feel like they can't focus on what the other person is saying, and then they also can't do the right guess statements because they're distracted by trying to do the other things * When they're first learning exaggeration statements, they can't do them * At first with exaggeration statements they run into issues where the other person thinks it's weird or doesn't like it (My experience/observation: a) only ramp up exaggeration after the guesses are already landing/emotional connection is already strong in that moment and b) it takes 10-20 conversations of practice before you can use it in a way that'll feel natural to you and others.) 90% of these will be solved by doing about 10 practice conversations. The remaining challenge will be that exaggeration statements are still hard, and they'll get easier after about another 10 practice conversations. ### Copy & Guess first, until they feel understood and you understand them. Then, if needed, Exaggerate to help the emotion process. ![[Pasted image 20250519095358.png]] Copy & Guess are your most used tools. Bring out Exaggeration when their emotion is still stuck! ### When someone says "it's fine" but their tone disagrees with their words, they might benefit from resonance. ![[Pasted image 20250519095443.png]] Try resonance when someone seems to be defensive, annoyed, upset, or even super excited. See if you can get to the point where they give a sigh of relief and their body language relaxes! The skill ladder is: 1. Easier: Can you use resonate someone when they are feeling upset, and it's nothing to do with you? 2. Hard: Can you use resonate someone when they're upset at you? 3. Hardest: Can you use resonate someone when they're upset at you and you're upset at them? For your first 20 practice convos, stick with the easier ones. ### Resonance helps emotions get "unstuck" -- like increasing download speeds, updating a neural network, or widening a drain. For understanding Resonance, there's a few analogies that I like. The fiber analogy is that resonance is like really fast internet for emotions. If someone has 10 GB worth of emotions and they're trying to use logic and reason and explanations and reassurance to process them, it's kind of like downloading them on super slow internet. Instead, resonance is like "Let's crank up the speed. Let's use exaggeration statements. Let's find the right spot and then download it all really quickly." The AI analogy is that emotions are like "fine-tuning jobs" that need to be completed. It feels bad to have unfelt emotions, because we have a bunch of new information that hasn't been integrated. Fully feeling an emotion allows the fine-tuning job to be completed, and the weights of your body's neural networks to be updated. You can also think of it as a plumbing situation where it's like a sink that's full of water. The water is the emotion; reassurance, logic, the normal things that people do kind of increase the blockage in the drain. Maybe the emotion stops flowing but it's all still sitting in the sink. Whereas resonance is like "Okay, let's clear out the drain and let's make the drain hole bigger so that all the emotion can flow through really quickly." Overall, think of emotions as a tool that your brain and body use to communicate and synchronize information, and so resonance is about "what would it look like if we helped emotions do their job as quickly and effectively as possible?" ### Resonance vs Alternatives Active Listening * Active listening uses paraphrasing and labeling. * Instead, resonance focuses more on copies than paraphrasing, and guess statements use the words the other person would use, rather than labeling or paraphrasing. Resonance also puts greater emphasis responding to what is implied but not stated, with guess statements. * Resonance emphasizes exaggeration statements as the key, which active listening doesn't. * Copy statements are high similarity to active listening, guess statements are medium similarity, and exaggeration statements are low similarity. * Results: Active listening can make the other person feel understood. I've observed that it's less effective at helping them feel seen and emotionally regulated. Reflective Listening * Reflective listening is great, it's quite similar. * The main delta is that resonance emphasizes exaggeration statements as the key, which reflective listening doesn't. * Results: Reflective listening can make the other person feel understood, and seen, though it's less effective at helping them feel emotionally regulated. 5 Love Languages, 5 Apology Languages * 5 love languages is about understanding ways your partner likes to be connected with. * 5 apology languages is a structured way to connect after hurt. * Resonance is kind of an alternative to both of them, in that it's another way to strengthen your connection as a couple. I think which one you like will come down to personal preferences. Nonviolent Communication * Nonviolent communication is about expressing your feelings * It uses observing, feeling, needing, and requesting * Someone told me nonviolent communication told them what to say, but not how to help with what the other person was saying and feeling IFS parts work * IFS is great. IFS is a tool for connecting with yourself. Self-resonance is an alternative practice for self-connection, and which one you like more might come down to personal preference. * What resonance most adds to IFS is that I and others have found it more effective at what to do once you find the parts. So if you want to try combining them, use IFS to find the part, and resonance to help it process what it's feeling. Gendlin Focusing * Focusing is a tool for connecting with and processing your own emotions. * I think self-resonance and focusing are alternatives, and which one you like more might come down to personal preference. Nowadays the primary tool I use for myself and my wife and my kids is resonance. In the past, some other similar tools I've tried include: * Ones I liked and used a lot: IFS parts work, core transformation, John Sarno, negative assertion, clearing model, 5 love languages, 5 apology languages, how to talk so little kids will listen, ACT, coherence * Ones that I tried a few times, mostly with coaches but not all: Gendlin Focusing, Nonviolent Communication, Alexander Technique, Somatic Experiencing If you're looking for an alternative to resonance, I'd suggest reflective listening for connecting with others, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen for connecting with kids, and Core Transformation and IFS for connecting with yourself. ### To support your relationships, instead of responding to emotions with reassurance, explanations, or advice, first use resonance. Now you know: Resonance is a way of talking that helps others process their emotions and feel better. There are other ways to use it too. Resonate before you disagree, resonate in casual conversations, resonate in writing in texts, etc. People mostly use resonance when the other person is stuck or upset or triggered, but you can also resonate someone who is super excited too. Self-resonance is also a great way to use resonance: some people who've learned it regularly use it with themselves, as a way of processing their own emotions. I created resonance after observing many emotional wizards at work. Resonance is like my description of something that already exists in the wild, and I'm documenting the steps so that more people can re-create it. I'd love to live in a world where everyone is an emotional wizard, helping their loved ones and themselves process emotions healthily! > ![[josh-singer.png|40]] "I find it most useful in helping people deal with their raw emotions" – Josh Singer >![[ben_circular_noresize.png|40]] "I think it's one of the most useful skills I've ever learned. And I think it'll just get better and better." – Ben Pan Thank you to the people quoted, those who helped me practice teaching, to people I taught prior versions to, and to people who gave feedback on prior versions. Recap from Chat: ![[Pasted image 20250521105003.png]] If you read this and liked it, please [DM](https://x.com/chrisbarber) or [email](mailto:[email protected]) me and tell me -- when I hear from people that liked it, it's very rewarding!